Months ago, I thought I fell for you. Months ago everything was shiny and brand new and had an annoying sticker on its perfect packaging that you could never really take off. Months ago I thought you were different. Months ago I probably wouldn't have included "I thought" in the first sentence of this paragraph.

Months ago I was really wrong.

Before then I made mistakes. Before then I wasn't taken seriously and didn't understand how my actions were going to have big repercussions. Before then I didn't think I would find someone who knew what it was like to really care about weird things like dental hygiene or the importance of a bed that was made. Before then I kind of believed that my time would come, and I waited; Waited upon endless conversations and hanging out that really went nowhere when I thought they would go everywhere and anywhere.

Before then I was a child who still thought that people had good intentions.

Days ago, I learned how to see in technicolor. I experience things in 3-D, surround sound, whatever kind of high definition that you see movies in. And this is my movie. Except, its not a movie. Because movies are really unfair. Because this whole concept of trying to give people glimpses into other people's lives and trying to tell them that this is what "normal" is, when in fact not everyone has normalcy in their lives, is b*******. And if you do feel normal, please get on your perfect, unscarred knees and thank God for that because I crave with every single ounce of being in my body to have something that doesn't make me feel like I'm not doing this whole life thing right.

Now I see that every fall, or rather, push, to the ground, is an opportunity for me to stand back up.

Maybe later I'll watch a movie where the girl doesn't get the guy even though she pines for him like there's no tomorrow. Maybe she won't get married or ever have kids. Maybe she won't even have a great job like all of her friends or the people she pretends to like but really hates. But maybe she'll have a favorite dish at her favorite restaurant that just really hits the spot and maybe the people she gets to work with or go to school with just really make her feel like the hilarious person that she is but never believes to be. And how great is that?

Maybe later I'll get to watch this movie and not have to hold any guy's hand during the scary parts.

But in this moment, I'm going to thank you. Thanks for getting the hell out of my life and making me feel like s*** while doing so. Thanks for the endless nights of making my heart feel like it weighs a thousand pounds when you were never going to operate the crane that would help pull it back up.

I am my own crane, and for this realization, I want to thank you.