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Educate Yourself
After a while, it became clear to me. Why I didn't want to try when I so desperately wanted to succeed. I was a zombie; burried in my books until anxiety came crawling in like a mouse dwelling between the walls of my house. Mom and Dad, I couldn't make them proud and when I told them I wanted to drop out they frowned and I said to myself, "I'll make it up to them somehow."
So I kept going.
But this time I'd pretend. And this time they'd make sure I was silenced until the end. And the oxygen in the room will slowly run out when I'm reminded that I forgot about,
Yesterday's homework.
I want to learn. It's not about the money for me. It's not about how I do this or how well I succeed. It's about expanding my abilities. It's about seeing the world and learning that way. It's about finding me.
So why am I being cooped up in a room full of people that would rather be sleeping? Why am I being forced? For this, I don't feel remorse when I turn and say, "No." I want to spend my hours bending the sky and it's colors. I want to call the world mine! I would rather examine the trees that sway in the wind and watch them grow.
But that doesn't matter. Not to the teachers or the parents. They all just call you as mad. As mad as that guy in the movie Mad Hatter. I want to meet people who are free and who are not just talking because they are forced to sit next to me. I want to push the odds of survival with only $40 in my pocket; travel the world with a half-blown tank of gas, $40, and my guitar. I'll play and sing in front of gas stations and fast food chains, earn my keep and keep playing- or at least set the stage, that's all I'm saying.
I will make people smile and then run out of gas after driving to fast because some guy is on my a** and I feel pressured.
I want that!
But...
I can't.
So I'll remain a zombie waiting to learn about equations and how life's supposed to phase us. And I'll keep building on my anxiety of what I did and what I forgot to do.
And I'll continue to look in the mirror every day and ask,
"Who are you?"
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When I was young, I started to fall into a deep depression and I started to self-harm and feel suicidal. During the worst years dating back 3 years ago, I ended up in a psychiatric hospital. They encouraged me to continue in school and further myself into college. I desperately wanted to drop out as soon as I hit 16, but I would get my GED. The entire time, I had been lying to myself about who I was, what I liked, and what I wanted to be. One thing I lied to myself about was hating education. The fact is, I don't hate education; I hate schools. We have people telling us right and wrong, telling us to graduate and be a lawyer or something. We can't make mistakes for ourselves. I do wish that I had been able to have moral support from teachers but I didn't. It could be the state I live in, or it could be how corrupt the world is nowadays. Teachers are foccussing on making money and don't actually want to teach. At least, that's how it is here.
Not only that, but like I said, I want to find myself. Not learn pointless equations that no body will admit we wont need in life. I know want I want to do with my life now. It's not about who the better or higher education is. You look at Steve Jobs and Bill Gates, and they're making more money than the president of the United States! They were both drop-outs. Or at least, Steve Jobs was.
Point made.
That is a bit about me and this poem.