Everything was going so well.
But now, little green pieces of paper are going to take it all away from me.
I have good grades, great friends, a fun family, a beautiful girlfriend...
And now, money is going to be the one thing that takes away one of the most important things to me.
The love of my life, taken away by this crap-shoot of a job-market.
Why her? Why now? I have no idea...
Every good day is followed by a terrible day...
And I have had a great year...
This has been inevitable I guess, but still...
I just don't know why.

The world is a cruel and cold place,
Where is the warmth and happiness that I used to know?
I still have the tiny beat of my own heart to keep me company,
But it is only my own heart…no one else's.
I really want to hear that other heart beat again.
I want to hear her heart beat for me again.
I don't want to stay in this silence...

I can only hope that tomorrow will still be a happy day.
I would pray for it to be so,
But I don't know who or what to believe in any more.
Whether there is a God or not,
But if there was, he wouldn't let something like this happen.

Though there technically still is hope.
It hasn't happened yet, though it probably will soon.
There is still a chance that it could be prevented.
There is still a chance that she won't have to leave.
Though it's a slim chance, all I can do is hope.

Even if she does have to leave, I say that we can make it work.
She doesn’t think so.
She thinks that distance will be an unavoidable obstacle.
I know that if she does have to go, that she will try to break it off.
But I won't let it happen.
I won't let her break off something when I know that it can last.
When true love is on the line,
Failure is not an option...
It never really was...
And it never will be...
Not if I have a say in it...
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I saw the sign for the first time today...
"For Sale" it read.
I know that it was talking about the house, but it might as well be talking about my heart.
I gave it to her long ago.
And even if she has to go, it is not the kind of thing that she can give back.
I put on a happy face; I kiss her goodbye as she goes through the door...
But the moment it closes, the smile drops as I think of what the future might hold.
And that future does indeed look bleak.

I drive away, and as I go,
A tiny bit of solemn hope rises to my mind.
I see more of those forsaken signs.
I try to think about how many lives were ruined by those signs.
But it brings up a hope.
Those have yet to be sold, and if those aren't yet, then hers won't be either.
She can't leave ‘til it is sold,
So all I can do for now is make good of whatever time I have left with her.
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They want me to help,
Not in any truly impactful way,
No, they want me to help them with their yard sale.
They want me to help get rid of their stuff so that it will be easier to move.
They are asking me to help them have an easier time leaving to head to the north.
They are asking me to help speed up the process of taking her away from me sooner.
The painful irony in it is sickening.

But I will help anyway.
I will keep up my congenial mask,
I will keep on with my hopeful persona.
I will continue to help them in any way I can.
Because I know that it must be terrible for them as well.

They have to leave again,
Just like the bad times when they were constantly moving.
They have to abandon again,
Just leave behind all they have made here.
They have to run again,
Just run from all the friends they have made.
They have to start again,
Just like they have done multiple times before.

So for them, I will pretend to be alright.
So that that don't have to worry about me.
So that they don't have me on their list of worries.
For their peace of mind,
For their happiness,
For the siblings,
For the parents,
For friends,
For her.

I will do it for her.
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Is it wrong to have a back-up plan?
I know that throughout this entire situation that I am currently in,
I have been the Optimist, the ray of hope, the goddamn smiling sun!
But sometimes, you can't stay as the same person in your four philosophy ensemble.
Sometimes, you have to become the Realist.

And the Realist inside tells me that the distance between us,
Will become too big of an obstacle to bear.
The Realist says that it will bring jealousy, disconnect, and mistrust,
He says that distance will hurt us more than anything.
He agrees with her, that breaking it off sooner than later would be the path of least pain.
The Realist within me agrees with her.

Then the Conflicted comes out.
He's the one who made the back-up plan in the first place.
Well, it was the Cynic within that made it so I needed one, but still...
The Conflicted made a plan that he thinks will make everything okay again.
He knows that after she's gone, I'll be lost.
He knows that when I'm lost, I'll need someone to guide me back through the fog.
He knows who it is that holds the lantern to guide me.
And he knows that it is the person who I used to think would give me a happy life, long ago.

The Conflicted knows that I can go to her, and that she'll accept me.
The Conflicted knows that the two of us have been through so much,
The Conflicted knows that it makes it easier for us to allow it.
The Conflicted knows that, but he doesn't truly get it.

He doesn't know how bad it will be.
He doesn't know how empty it will feel.
He doesn't know how unfulfilled we will be.
He doesn't know how much it will truly hurt.
He doesn't know how to understand the way we feel.
He doesn't know how to.

Then the Cynic shows up,
And he tells about how terrible this back-up plan will be.
Not in actuality, but ethically.
Going right from the happiest time of my life, trying to find someone to replace her.
He knows that nothing and no one will make me feel as fulfilled as I am with her.
The Cynic's words hurt so terribly, but I know that they are true.

Then the return of the Optimist.

The Optimist, who ignores the words and ideas of his three brothers in mind.

The Optimist just plasters on a smile, and goes on his way,
While he tries to contain the others inside, so that he can keep on the hopeful act.
And that is the one that I am deciding to stick with right now.
For that is all I really am.

A hopeful act.
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She started venting to me today.
She started getting enraged at the unfairness,
The unfairness of the balance of jobs at her home.
She complains about being a middle child.

Her older brother doesn't want to do anything,
So he thinks that he can push the work onto the younger.
He already has a job,
He already helps pay the bills,
So the parents think that he already helps enough.

Her younger brother doesn't want to do anything,
So he thinks that he can push the work onto the older.
He is still young,
He is still innocent,
So the parents think of him as the baby still.

So that leaves her, the middle child.
So she doesn't have anyone to push the work onto.
She doesn't have a job,
She doesn't have an excuse not to,
So the parents think that she can take all of the work.

And as I listen to her,
I smile.
Not because I like hearing about her troubles,
But I fake a smile,
I try to crack a joke to cheer her up.
I try to do as much as I can,
As much as I can to keep her happy.
For her sake, I will try.
Try to make it as easy on her as I can.
For her sake.

For her sake...
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Before Finals.
She'll be gone before finals they believe.
I hear this and cringe, because a realization hits me:
It was right around the time of finals when we got together in the first place.
May 13th to be exact.
A tearful chuckle escapes my throat.
We probably won't even make it to a full year.

There is still slight uncertainty that she will be leaving at all.
But I doubt it,
I know that she will have to leave.
I still hope that she won't, but still...
Hopes and reality are two very different beasts.
But that's all I can do...
Hope...
All I can do is hope...
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She's not here today,
Oh how I do miss her so,
I want her here with me.
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She's trying to make it easier on me.
I know she's trying to be careful and stealthy about it,
But I can tell.
She's trying to keep me happy.
She's trying to cheer me up so that I stay happy.
She doesn't want to make me sadder for the end.
She wants to end it on a high note.

It's not like she's doing anything exceptionally different.
But it is in the subtle things that I can see the truth in.
The subtle expressions she shows,
The subtle movements she makes,
The simple actions she takes,
The simple things she says,
She does it for me.

All this time, I've been trying to keep her happy.
I've been trying to keep her hopes high,
I've been trying to keep a smile on her face,
And all the while, she's trying to do the same to me.
She is trying to keep my mind off of the future,
She is trying to keep my head in the present,
She is trying to keep my memories of the past,
She is distracting me from the inevitable.
And I wish that I didn't realize this fact,
Because I want to keep in the present too.
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There has been a change.
I cannot say what the change is.
But I know that it's happened.

Everyone is acting differently around me.
Not drastically of course.
But different none the less.

People are being much more secretive.
People are walking far away to have long conversations.
Conversations that they don't want me to hear.

I see brief but powerful glares directed between friends.
People who I thought bore friendship on their faces,
Those people shot hatred and rage through their eyes.

Animosity grows between us all,
The discomfort is evident in their nervous shifting.
The awkward silence is deafening.

Something has changed in the group of my friends,
Then again, maybe nothing changed at all...
Maybe my vision of said friends has just evolved into a level closer to the truth...
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Finally, my story has an uplifting revelation.
She will be staying until the end of the year at least.
The longer the time, the better.
Time can strengthen the bond,
So that the distance won't annihilate it.
So for now, we will ignore the amount of time we have left,
And we will just use the time we have, to be together.
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Though this may not seem to be very poetic.
Though this may not seem to be very impactful.
Though this may not seem to be very clear of a story.
Though this may not seem to be very unique or revolutionary.
But there is a reason for it all.

This isn't meant to be a poetic work of fiction.
This isn't meant to be a literary collection of fantasy.
This isn't meant to be a new Shakespearian tragedy of love.
This isn't meant to be a story with a happy ending, or really an ending at all.
This is non-fiction.

This is a story that does not yet have an ending.
If it did, I would not be able to be writing it at all.
For the story's end, would be my end.
The story is the life that I now live.
Maybe a specific part of this life,
But an important part nonetheless.
Maybe even one of the most important parts.

Do not worry about me, however.
Just focus on your own lives.
You probably are going through problems of your own.
Go about your lives,
Follow your own paths,
We will figure out a way to make it all work.
We always do.
Just go on.
I'm fine.
Trust me.
Go on.

Leave me be...
I'll be fine...
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