every time I am in maryland, i can’t help but obsess over you

i remember holding onto your voice like a piece of soggy driftwood, afloat in the eye of a storm

now the sound of you would probably make me vomit

i never knew how small you could get as we slept side by side
small enough to crawl inside me, in too deep

all my attempts to cleanse myself with cup after cup of strong black coffee fall short
because the caffeine that props me up like puppet strings runs parallel in my veins to the blood you left there

i remember lying there, taking it, just as you did for the coffee chain blood bank king in august, my hands move for you as you need them to—

-and yet the—

! i remember the light in your eyes at the prospect of the fire spreading from your house to mine, my mind reels as the love of my life revels in the nightmare I’m living—

-and yet the warmth of your—

!!! remember heart sinking as you hand me a letter, wondering what I have to be sorry for now--

-and yet the warmth of your body against mine—

!!!!!!!!! remember the time I said no and you spent the rest of the night screaming broken the time I said no and you sloughed off your skin like a wet shirt in retribution then passed it to me along with the blame remember the times I forgave and forgave and forgave until my stomach could no longer contain the stinging sour bile constant submission gives rise to remember the excuses I made for you that fit like a sweater three sizes too small I REMEMBER—

-and yet the warmth of your body against mine in your dirty tub,  your head on my shoulder on the late night train and the cold winter walks that followed, the pride we both felt to be seen holding each other’s hand, the first time we kissed looking over my tiny town; ignition remix shouldn’t be a sad song  and the number 6 beeline bus shouldn’t mean jack s*** to someone with a white SUV and a driver’s license and the 20 year old i dated when i was a freshman shouldn’t be my ‘good’ ex and i shouldn’t have to beg for the apology that would save what little we could have left but then again, you always liked to defy expectations, didn’t you?)

how can I at once be so filled with the feeling of never wanting to sleep so I wouldn’t miss a thing and the feeling of needing to go to sleep to escape you

i will never forgive you
I will never forget you