Dear co sine,
I’m sorry that there’s another poem for you.
I couldn’t help myself.
It’s been months since I’ve written one.
I’m scared of writing them.
But I can’t help myself.

I’m scared that when people hear these poems a
They don’t hear it the way I do.
They don’t hear their hearts cry
They don’t remember you the way
We all do.

But this is less about you and more about me
So bear with it, bear with me
I’m sorry that there came a time
Where I have to write about you for me
Let me be selfish
Let me be selfish
Let me be selfish
This is my apology letter

I’m sorry that I never asked you the questions
I really should have
Sunsets or sunrise?
Blue or brown eyes?
Friend or family ties?

I really should have known the answers
Whether you loved the sunsets
To know you got through the day
Or sunrise, because it was a new one
Brown eyes, like your father had
Or blue eyes, like your husband has

But I don’t even know if you had friends
If you had anything more than your family
I’m sorry I never asked

And I am sorry I never read you those poems I’ve written for you
But I didn’t want you
Who was fighting for your life
To hear about me,
Begging for your life

It just was so stupid of me
To even consider it a good idea
That I’m writing poetry for you

I’m sorry I am so sad,
I know you wouldn’t want me to be
I’m sorry I am so happy,
Even though you want me to be
I am sorry that there are days that pass
Where you barely grace my mind

I’m sorry that I’m forgetting details of your face
I’m sorry that I remember you so clearly on death’s hand
You deserve to be remembered
But not for your sickness

And now, Ama is holding my hand
The way you did
She’s grasping it tightly
Saying how nice I am
And she has a softer voice
And she is trying to laugh
And she feels a little cold
While she’s squeezing my hand
And she doesn’t want to let go
And she reminds me so much of you

There was a time when I wanted to bake cookies
And I would bake them till they tasted like yours
And I would bake them till the taste was exactly right
So when summer came around,
We could all still enjoy them.
I wish I could have done that
And brought them over
But how wrong would that be?
Pretending you’re still among the living
Pretending you’re still here,
Baking us sweets?
The thought left a bitter taste in my mouth

I knew I shouldn’t have gotten onto that airplane
Secretly, I had the feeling that it was going to happen
Especially since the last time I saw you
Your eyes were twitching,
Your eyelids were falling,
You were gasping for air,
You had bags under your eyes,
And your eyelids were purple,
And you were so tiny
In that huge bed
Your bones were shaking,
I could see your bones shaking,
You were shaking

But I left and the day I landed you died
And a day, or maybe two,
I couldn’t tell, I was five thousand miles away
I found out that you died
And I knew I shouldn’t have left
There was no way I could be back in time
And I missed your funeral
And I missed you
And the last time I’ll ever see you is living
And all I could do
Is buy you some Japanese charms
To ward off sickness
Even though I knew it was too late
I was too late
I am always too late

There is a difference between watching someone
Who is living but dying
And dying but living
You taught me what it meant to be strong
Both as a human and as a woman
And you taught me it was more important
To be smart
Rather than pretty
And it’s more important to be healthy
Then it is to be smart
And I’m sorry that you could only be
Intelligent and beautiful

You were beautiful,
And I never told you that
I never told you I admired
Your regal walk around the house
And your long curls would bounce
And that you were so elegant
While being the toughest woman I knew

You wanted to live for your children
And yes they needed you,
But you kept giving yourself a time to live
You kept giving yourself deadlines
From wanting to see your first grandchild
To just living until your daughter’s sixteenth year
You kept shortening it
So you knew when you could stop fighting
You were fighting for so long
I can’t even remember when you started
You were living but dying
I remember you always fighting
Trying to smile
But there were a few fights we all have to lose
And I hate that the last time I saw you
You were either crying
Or you were shaking
You were shaking
You were shaking

And the last time I saw you,
I’m sorry I cried

I’m sorry that the last time I saw you
Is all I can remember
And what I remember is you shaking
I’m sorry I’m still shaken
But why were you shaking?
Was it painful?
Were you crying?
Was I crying?
Why were you shaking?

I cried after I left
But did I make you cry when I cried?
I’m sorry that the last time I saw you
Wasn’t you peacefully sleeping
Wasn’t you smiling

I am sorry that I couldn’t make it easier on you
I just couldn’t bear it myself.

I’m sorry I can’t be close to Steph anymore
I can’t bear to do so.
The last time she even came to me
Was months before you left
I know you believed that she loved me
And I know she did
And she probably thinks I don’t love her as much
But honestly, it’s less lack of love
Rather, it’s too much love
Because I worry
That I can’t ever do anything
For her
That I will make her more sad
Then she has to be
That her strong personality
Will be crushed by our sad souls
Steph,
You asked
How did you make me feel better when Sparks died.
First, you never did.
I just couldn’t bear being sad anymore
When you loved me so much

Second, don’t compare my dead dog
To your dying mother
You were expecting her to live with you
For so much of your life
A dog is a family member, yes
But Steph, I remembered a time before my dog
Unlike you, born and raised by your mother
And Sparks has a life expectancy of fifteen years

Your mom’s life expectancy was
You graduating high school,
You going to college,
You getting a job,
You getting married,
You having children,
Her life expectancy was you experiencing
Living life fully

I didn’t know how to tell you that
It was okay to be upset.
I am sorry I couldn’t make you feel better
I don’t think anyone could have.
And I’m sorry my love isn’t strong enough
For you to be happy
I want you to be happy,
I swear it

But how do I make you happy
When I am upset too?
How do I tell you that I’m upset too?
Without implying that our pain is the same

We used to go to each other for everything
But now I’m so sorry that I can’t be there for you
Only because I can’t look at you
Without seeing her.
I’m sorry that I never did anything for us
I just don’t know

I’m sorry I thought of your mom as my mom
I’m sorry I don’t know how to ask how you’re feeling
I’m sorry that on Snapchat
You’re on my story
But you’re not my best friend
I’m sorry we don’t talk till 3AM anymore
I’m sorry that you make me feel guilt

I can’t help it
But you were my always my sister
Even though we only spent a few months a year together
And I abandoned you when you needed me

It’s funny
People call me a good person
A nice girl
But I really am not
Because the one person who should matter most
I can’t even do anything for
I am sure you can tell
You’ve called me out on it
But I’ve been avoiding you
The family actually

They have it worse than I can imagine
I’m sure that my sadness is a drop in the ocean
And I can’t help but feel guilty
But there’s no way for me to stop
So please, don’t ask me why I’ve been distant
Just remember that I love you
And I will never stop

I just can’t handle it
I can’t tell if you’re happy
Or if you’re pretending to be
And I can’t handle it when I am not happy
And can’t bring myself to pretend to be

I’ve always felt lonely without you
We promised that we’d be college roommates
We would live in the same apartment after it
And we would own ten dogs
German shepherds, Labradors and Golden doodles
We’d have it all

We promised we’d live life together
We’d be best friends forever
We would always promise that
Cousins would always be put first.
I’m sorry I’m not your best friend anymore
I’m sorry that you’re not mine anymore
That I don’t imagine us together forever anymore

I’m sorry we’ve drifted apart
Don’t take it personally
I just don’t like shopping
Or beauty tips
Or late night spa days

I’m sorry that you can’t bare it
When I talk about basketball,
Or when I talk about band,
Or about my friends,
I’m sorry I haven’t told you
I’m gray-aro and ace

But we still have those memories
Of Inuyasha and being Pokemon trainers
How you’d always get a Chikorita
And I’d get a Cyndaquil
I remember the details of the stairs as waterfalls
And we’d have to befriend some wild Magikarp
To get up to Professor Oak
And how the last time we played,
I kept running into the mirror
Because some twisted fourth or fifth grade humor
And how your mother was wondering
How we could ever be this close
We have memories
And I’m sorry that that’s all I can bear for now
I love you,
I love you both.
Signed,
Someone who needs to woman up