There are some big things
In my life
That I call my life savers.
For one there’s the things I love,
Which could go on and on.
My little brother is one big thing,
My giggly ball of sunshine.
He keeps me smiling everyday
And makes me happy that I am who I am.
He has autism, very low functioning,
And yet he pushes on,
Reading big words and finding his shapes
And signing “please” and “drink” and “more”.
He knows his numbers and alphabet,
And his therapy helps him in so many ways.

There’s my one true love,
A thing called writing,
That helps me to push on.
And my music and my acting
And my dreams to make it big.
Maybe as an author, or an actress or
A singer-songwriter
Or even just a mom.

There’s my grandma who adores me,
And were tragedy to strike,
She’d fall apart, and be upset,
Which I could not bear.
And then there’s my mom,
With plenty of stress
Dealing with my little brother.
And my older brother has his own problems,
And she doesn’t need any more.

But it was something big
That saved my life
When I was scared for myself.
I picked up the phone
And dialed the number
I had seen on TV.

And the man
On the other end
Talked me through my pain
And helped me feel
Whole again,
And stopped me from the thoughts
That were dark, and scary,
And were ripping me apart.

Now I know, how to make
The scary thoughts
Disappear.
Read a book,
Sing a song,
Video call my friend Victoria.
Write a poem,
Watch TV,
And if worse comes to worse,
Talk to mom, talk to dad,
Talk to the school counselor.
And if I must, the one thing
That I know I can do,
Is call the number I saw on TV,
Called the Suicide Tip line.

I took what matters
And turned it into
The things that could save my life.
And I found more solutions
If the life savers I found
Might not be enough.

But I have not yet told my mom about
That number I called those months ago,
For two weeks from the day I wrote this,
My older brother, with problems of his own,
Tried to kill himself, and while he was not successful,
And while he lives today,
I fear when I must tell my mom I called that number
For that gives her another burden.

But I live the days, one step at a time,
And I have one thing else to comfort me-
That if I ever truly want
To try and kill myself,
The only way I wouldn’t be too scared to try
Would be to swallow the pills,
The same as my brother did, 
And that this feat is not accomplishable,
With the pills in a cabinet,
In the basement,
Tightly locked away.

And if I ever get to planning, I know it is time
To deploy my lifesavers
To save my life.