You were reaching out to me.
You were the ocean always
crashing down to meet me.
But you could never reach me
Because I was lost within myself.

I was sick
Not sick meaning
Coughing and hacking
Easily witnessed on the out side
So easy to identify

More like sick
with skin like purses or grocery bags
underneath my dead, cold, lifeless eyes.
An aching heart on this inside
Banging against the rib cage it's been locked in.
Begging to be free -
like me.

You could never really see my wounds
The scars against my heart
Heating, then exploding like stars
Imploding into itself
Intertwining with my broken soul

The darkened scars on my arms
and my ankles
Were covered by to long sleeves in Summer
Jeans in boots
Hidden

Bathroom floors three a.m
Box cutters
Broken Glass I found on the ground
maybe even my nails
I ached so much on the inside
The pain............

I wanted to let myself go.

I wanted to leave you.

And I tried.

Bathroom floor.
Locked door.
Stained tiles.
Blood dripping down from my chin
To my belly button.
From my shoulders to my fingers
My waist to my ankles.
Bleeding int muddy bloody puddles
Onto the cold unforgiving
Bathroom Floor.

Pain.
Enveloping inside and out for once
My outside reflected my inside
So much pain everywhere...

I screamed.
The bloodcurdling scream
My parents finally could hear.
And when the busted the door open.
My mother's tears looked like mine.
My mother's scream sounded like mine.
My mother's pain was mine.

Hospital
Pills
Diagnosis after Diagnosis
Maybe Schizophrenia, Depression, Anxiety
All of the above.

All of the above
Revolved back to you
You didn't know
But somehow you knew

And so when I got out
Of the asylum
I laughed when I read your message
3 months old.

I had a dream that you were dying
Are you okay?
Followed by several others
Along those lines.
I knew you would always be there for me.
I sent you a message in return
I'm better than ever

And then I called you
And told you everything
About everything I've been through
And you understood
Like you always did
And always would.