I'm so angry at you.
But not the way Dr. Reynolds says is normal
For those who have lost the ones they love.
Maybe it's because it's true, that even after all this time,
I still yearn for your hands to tangle in my hair,
Pulling roughly on my cropped curls
I asked you to cut off.
That I shed along with my parents' love.
That I brushed away like their expectations.
That I left behind to be with you.
...
You, with your coffee stained teeth and cobalt fingernails
And the little green dress you took me in.
I remember tasting you, the salty sweet sour soft skin
In my palm. I remember how the gold chain I got you for Chanukah
Perfectly balanced between your breasts.
That red sweater I wore when you told me you loved me hangs in my closet.
I'll never wash it.
It still smells like you.
...
And I know you'd want me to, but I can't. I can't move on when you,
A rainbow of colors, are still carved with a butter knife into my gray matter.
And, love, the world without you is gray.
No, black.
Black like you warned me your soul was,
When you told me I would get burned.
But you are the lightest person I know,
And goddamn it, they snuffed out your light with their disbelief
That you, a beautiful, beautiful woman could love me.
...
I still write, you know.
I'm getting published soon and I'm dedicating the book to you.
The girl in green, who I'm still so mad over and furious with.
Because you had been a fighter and you didn't fight for me, for us.
Why didn't you?
Did you finally believe that our God-
Adonai, the lover of all beings-
Hated you...
Hated me?
I'll never forgive them.
I'll never forgive you.