I lost myself on July 28th 2014.

Everything I knew, everything I loved. My everything;

It all came crashing down.

Up until that point, 

I was good at pretending to be okay.

I guess a pretty face and a smile is all you need to fool people.

That's what I used to survive.

Until,

I turned around and saw my parents' blank faces.

Staring at me with a solemn look.

It was like a sad photograph; the old fashioned kind.

"Who died?" I asked jokingly.  I didn't know. Yet.

Tears started streaming from their eyes.  

And they told me.

It.Was.Him.

A wave of confusion came over my eyes,

As I tried to add it all up.

But I didn't know what.

It couldn't be him, no,

He had told me, "I love you," that very same day,

But what I didn't know was heroin stood in the way,

Of who he truly was, and who he was pretending to be,

And I was too blind to see,

the drug was his way to let out the pain.

So I stepped outside into the summer rain.

And I ran, and I screamed, and I cursed his name.

For making me part of his f***ed up game.

And all I wanted to do was run and run and run away.

Away from the pain, and sometimes I still do.

But I am trying to come to terms with my life, and everything.

That has happened.  

I forgive him and I forgive myself.

Because I knew, where ever he is, he is proud.

Of the woman I am, the woman I want to be.

But I still wish he was here with me.