In the car, radio static

Grey sky

Walking quickly to the house

Heart Fluttering

Green Sky

Silent Panic

Inside

Out the window

Black cloud

Closer

Faster

In the basement

With my brother

Silent panic

Hands shaking

Shaking.

Dark

Too dark for midday

Wrong

Fear

Raw fear

Couldn’t think

Couldn’t see

Couldn’t hear

Just feel

Feel the house shaking

Groaning

My world shaking

Feel my head

About to explode

Pressure

The air pushing

And pulling

Stretching

And squishing

Pushing myself

Into the corner

Away from the

Broken window

Away from the

Wind

Feel the shocks

The shudders

Of blown off doors

Fallen trees, debris

Then Silence.

Absolute Silence.

Heart-stopping Silence.

No heartbeat

Was I dead

Acting on instinct

Brain in overdrive

Forcing me to move

Operating without my permission

Seeing

Witnessing

Speaking

Hearing

Moving

The world was ending.

I was sure.

I could taste it.

Perfect weather

Sunny skies

Contrast

Stepping over

Trees

Metal

Wires

Water flooding

From broken pipes

Sirens in the

Distance

Surrounding

But a lifetime away

Police, firemen

On tractors, four-wheelers

Walking

Trying to cut through

Cut off from the rest

Of the world

Seemed impossible

For only my world to be ending

Urgency

Working fast

To prepare

Trying to beat

The sun’s race

The darkness

The cold

Setting in

Shaking cold

With darkness rises fear

Raw fear

Vicious panic

Tears at my heart

Driving in the dark

Nearly impossible

So silent

Begging for sound

The radio plays

“It’s a Great Day to Be Alive”

Singing along

Trying to fake normal

Voices shaking

Two streets down

To a whole house

My brother’s friend’s

All of us

Stranded kids

In the living room

No electricity

No water

No warmth

Cold seeping into

My body

Shaking chills

Words exchanged

Tense

Not angry

Hostile

Frigid like the air

On edge

I knew it was my silent presence

My brother played along

Why couldn’t I

Hunger

Nothing to eat

Save cold meat

Thirst

But no water

Cold.

So Cold.

Powerless

In the dark

Nothing we can do

Closing eyes

Trying to speed time.

Suffocating.

Heat

Heat?

No air

Heart pounding

Lungs gasping

Couldn’t move

I felt shaking

My brother

Laying beside me

Arms around me

Shaking with cold

Whispered

“How are you so warm?”

“I don’t know”

Checked the clock

Only one hour of sleep

Why couldn’t the night end

The morning brought me

Separation

Confusion

No longer one of two

Just one

Weak words

From strong people

That broke my heart.

I walked

alone

Person by person

One by one

I found my family

They showed concern

For the house

Help arrived

But they came too soon

I wanted them to leave

some were pushy

overwhelming

my brain was forced

to think

my body forced

to act

my mouth forced

to lie

their presence made me

uncomfortable

I wished they would leave

I wanted them to leave

My smile was shaking

I waited for the sun to set

The day to end

Half of my family left for the hotel

I take it back

I wished the day back

I do not want the night

I didn’t know

The dark brought

Panic.

Raw Fear.

I had not felt anything in what seemed like

Forever.

I blinked back tears

I had not cried before.

I couldn’t cry before.

I wouldn’t cry now.

The national guard

In uniform

Like a war zone

Distant sirens

Standstill traffic

Like no one

Could leave fast enough

I was a frightened refugee

Finally I was free

So I thought

Out of the war zone

And I found…

Nothing.

Everything.

Normal.

Thirty minutes away from

The end of the world

And I discovered

It wasn’t

It was like it never happened

Parked

Walking

Food

Water

Shower

Bed

My body shaking

Exhaustion

Closing my eyes

A week went by

I had no time

To think

To feel

To heal

I wanted Normal

And it was not what I found.

People were pushy

Acquaintances turned friends

It was defining me

I hated it

I wanted to hate them

But they were so kind

With earnest hearts

I couldn’t

They told me they cared

I believed them

My walls

To make me appear strong

Were beginning to shake

The beginning of a new week

My walls were gone

I was willing to show dependence

I went to lean on those shoulders

So readily offered before

Yet I found

Nothing.

A gut-wrenching free fall.

Falling

Farther

Faster

Darkness

Surrounding me

Days went by

Weeks went by

Moths went by

Like Alice,

I was still falling

And Then Some

Then I hit the ground

I started to stand

To rebuild my walls

To protect me from

Those who lied

More to themselves

Than to me

Saying they cared

Maybe they did

A weak sort of caring

A social obligation

That fades fast

But rebuilding was hard

By myself

So I let two in

Strangers

They didn’t claim to know

What defined me

I expected nothing from them

They never disappointed me

They helped me rebuild

From the inside

Some people watched me fall

They saw me rebuild

They were dissatisfied

They wanted in

They started to tear apart

My walls

By force

So I kept building

I wouldn’t let them in

I won’t let them in

But the wall is kept low

From their constant efforts.

I can see them.

If they give up

I’ll never stop building.

If they stay

With me

I may someday

Stop resistance.

My world will never be still.

It will always be shaking.