In a crowd, it seems impossible to feel alone 

I tell my friend I have a sharp headache,

And I wonder if she knows that the second class lets out

I will immediately look up symptoms

And pick the worst disease

And that I will convince myself that I have

A brain tumor

I hug my brother goodbye,

And I wonder if he knows all I can thing about are ‘nots’

I will not live with him again

I will not see him for three months

I wonder if he knows the ‘nots’ will overcome me

That they will create a sleepless night and a tear-soaked face

My mother splays out the shower curtain,

And I wonder if she knows for the next ten minutes

I will check behind it

Almost a hundred times

That I will touch each side to create an even number

To balance the scale, to balance my mind 

My friend’s dog dies

And I wonder if she knows how much I fear

It is hard enough in this life worrying about

Everything I have to lose

What will I do

When I actually lose it?

I talk about the future with my parents

And I wonder if they know that I know

Absolutely everything

Could go wrong

If they know that this nagging fear in the back of my head

Could become real

It’s this stupid disease,

That makes me obsess over a single worry,

It’s this stupid disease,

That makes me think I have a million others,

It’s this stupid disease,

That makes me hate myself

But I continue, and no matter how hard it can be

I get through it

And because the worry and fear overcomes me,

It just makes it all the more welcoming

When happiness

Knocks the wind out of me