I am from
crying in a dark room
Climbing out of my crib
Tears streaming, lungs heaving, heart beating like a drum beating in the grey.

I am from walking alone at night way beyond my curfew because no-one cared whether I came home alive or not,
And the noise my mom made cracking her knuckles and the shaking of her head
Angry for no reason.

I am from an empty plate
And fitness magazines and my first set of makeup
I am from spinning until
I made myself sick, stick thin by the time I was 13 and
Seeing the world as the monster it is.

I am from long days at school
And longer days at home
Shutting myself in my room
Shutting myself from the world.
The only time for chocolate-chip cookies at
Grandma’s house.

I am from August days in the skate park
And running through the golden leaves.
From my imaginary friends and
The games we used to play like
Doctor and patient and teacher and student.

I am from trips to the grocery store
Shoving those Kool-aids down my pants
Till that damned security pushed onto the sticky linoleum floor.

I am from the tut tut tut
Of my English teacher that one week
That I decided to give up trying.
Told I would get nowhere in life.

I am from rainy days
And board games,
Loony-tunes and Cheerio’s.

I am from walks on the beach
And the sand like coal squished in between my toes,
And not wanting to go home.

I am from Barbie’s and Polly Pockets
Watching from outside toy stores,
Watching girls scream in delight,
Watching me turn green with envy
From playing with older girls,
And even older boys who could do what they wanted with me
Their guinea pig experiment

I am from doodles and late nights
And cheap biros and yoyos.
From screaming to silence.

I am from tears on my pillow
And unanswered cries.
From when I was holding your cookies and your hand
Those bittersweet goodbyes.

I am from surviving the past
And hopeless hope for the future.
I am from hard work and
No play.
And I am from running away and running mascara
To wishing I weren’t i didn't wake up the next day.