Return to Sender

My father had been sleeping with women for years
Mainly younger women. Mainly blonde, long legged, twenty-something year olds
When mother found out she was crushed
Crying on the bare wood floor in secret for weeks,
Never would she have thought that her husband would be that type of man
They had been married for twenty four years.
How long had this been going on?
After her sorrowful tears had fallen, her anguish turned to rage.

She decided things needed to change. But she couldn’t
Divorce him. Not without him lashing out at her. At us.
So she taught us to hate our father.
To keep to ourselves, slowly drawing back further and further
To protect ourselves,
Close our eyes when we’re frightened and
Cover our heads to block the heavy blows
To say nothing around him, unless directly spoken to
To leave extra mashed up food on our broken dinner plates,
So he wouldn’t call you fat ugly names.

Then one day he left.
Just got up off the torn leather couch
and walked out the creaky door.

Then the letter arrived
Its stained envelope torn unevenly at the seams
The letter of apology
“The letter of lying lies”
Mother called it. For none of it was true.
This was his form of abuse. Since he was no longer
Here directly to lash out at us, he would send us
Letters
Letters to make sure we were missing his presence
Letters to prove to us that he was still in this household
Knowing if he was in it, he could control it.

So mother left the coffee stained
Letters
In the shiny black mailbox
Fearful to bring them inside
Fearful of the monster she was bringing inside with the letters.

Finally one bitter cold January day,
She retrieved the letters that had been clogging our mailbox for years
She pulled the paper shredder from the front closet
Sat down on the stained living room rug, letters in hand
And shredded every single
Unopened letter.