My death sentences sound too much like riddles.
I’m declared unwritten gravestone after diagnosis
And I’m declared miracle before I realize I’m still living
I dance between dead and alive
Releasing cancer demon cell ridden blood out of my body
But I’m swallowed by gaping black holes
Only to be choked back up in stars
It’s not just the stars that are at fault;
But like the currents of all oceans I’m too immuned to the moon teasing me I’ve fought too many high tides to still be floating.
I almost drowned once.
Felt waves empower my organs
And rumble to my lungs
Piles of symphonies
Of seas crashed and burned my breath
Until the only song played in my ears is clogged
Heavy panting flooding
Hospital bed sheets
Pools of sweat
Bathing my flushed flesh.
My mother told me that it was okay to let go.
My parents practiced my death so much I fear they’re too prepared. I’ve had to isolated myself
Because I can’t bear to destroy anyone else numb
I know too well what it’s like to be demolished by someone
Who can’t live long enough to put you back together.
I remember the first time I met infinity boy.
He walked with limping shadow
And danced death to how I dance life
But his waltz made him king of every cancerous fiend in his body He had figurative homicide maliced in his mouth
Each time he put that unlit cigarette on his teeth
Since our first support group meeting in the hollows of that church I knew Jesus’ heart wouldn’t be the only one we infected.
The boy with one leg proposed his love to me in picnic soliloquies Used our last cancer perk to
Let us explore the creaks of Amsterdam
Searching endlessly for the missing pieces of our story
We destroyed every soul around us like grenades
Took a toast to firecrackers
And drank each and every star
Blurry light headed champagne endeavors
Sinning away nights with interlocking frail bones
Limbs calloused caress
Weak lungs
Moaning whirrs of oxygen tubes
I realized you can love heart as much as you can love scarecrow.
After then he told me he couldn’t live anymore
He hid his fate from me so we’d have time to fall in love
We’ve been running out of time since our small infinity began
The next month I watched him fluctuate consciousness
Cleaned his undigested dinners
Found him sleeping submerged in his piss
Felt his muscles become bones
His body drained so quickly my congested lungs were jealous.
On his last good day
Our friends frantically scrambled collages of obituaries
He wanted to know what it was like to attend his own funeral
So we saved our last sentiment for the handsome man now withered in wheelchair My Augustus Waters died 8 days later.
I still smell him on every red and blue stained sheet I wear
And I keep his scribbled notes of my eulogy sequel by my bedside
I still want it to be me in the ground instead of him
I was told that I would die tomorrow 6 months ago.
6 weeks ago today I was to celebrate my first breath
I wish to not be breathing 6 months from now
I want every I.V. sewed in my skin to tattoo thyroid stage IV terminal illness on my epitaph Take the last needled thread that’s held me standing
Clip me of puppeteer master
Drown me crooked limbless
Dry dripping memoir vignettes
That disintegrate into oblivion
From aristotle confucius philosophy prophecies
To the sun crashing moon burning earth collapsing stars and back again
The only remnant me and my love will leave is a scar
So let me end here.
Thaw shamelessly in hospital uniform
Let me breathe brittle one last time
Let me embrace the fear of becoming nothing.
Let me just­-