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Ambulance Ride
September 5, 2013
The world's a haze,
Of red and grey.
He breathily calls,
His wife's name.
One last time,
A search for life.
Tears roll down his face,
"I never got to say goodbye."
© Courtney K., Bethel Park, PA
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION
This article has 8 comments.
ElisaTheDuck ELITE said...
on Oct. 30 2013 at 11:38 am
omg i was nearly crying as i read the last line! it's so sad it's beautiful!
I believe every story has cliches and that they benefit from them. Great stories like Lord of the Rings, the Harry Potter novels, The Time Machine and so many more all have cliches. Would you say they are any less creative or groundbreaking because of it? More often than not, cliches are included without conscious thought because life itself is full of cliches. I can see we won't agree on this matter, I just thought I'd give this debate one last "Hoorah!"
Although I appreciate your feedback, I don't believe the poem needs to be changed. Based on comments on another posting of mine (which is under revision for grammatical errors) I must ask if you have a preference against cliches. I, for one, believe cliches can add realism. In this sense, the last line is a realistic thing for a man to say in such a situation and I believe putting something in simply because it's not cliche would ruin the sincerity. Once again, I thank you for your feedback and appreciate the criticism.
theblondechick GOLD said...
on Oct. 26 2013 at 11:33 am
I really like the second stanza! Good job
Good job! I am really impressed with your rhythm; flawless excepts for the last line (so you may want to fix that)! The topic is used a lot, I think you really added to it. Though once again, the last line is really cliche, so you may want to change it.
LaChouette GOLD said...
on Oct. 25 2013 at 7:29 pm
Well, that was sad! It's very nice-- clear and concise. Nice Job!
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Favorite Quote:
"Love is not opening your eyes but opening your heart."
"You see not with your eyes, But with your heart."
"Think first with your heart not your head."
"If it has a heart, It is human."