in exactly one year i will
make them stick their needles in my skin
and give me their colors.
i am five thousand times larger
than you will ever be. this is what i tell myself.
this is what i tell myself. you are larger
than even i am, and that is exactly why
i want to stick my fingers under your skin
and find out how you make me want you.
i stood on a cliff today and planned out
exactly how i wanted to bloom.
i did not want you to see. i was proud.
my therapist asked me
about the colors and i told her the wrong word
by accident. i want you to know every freckle, every scar,
and all the colors I am going to put under my skin.
i want you to meet the dog
that will follow me three years from now.
it is the closest thing i have to protection.
closer than family. maybe in five years i will know
how to shoot a gun and maybe i can teach you. maybe
i can teach you with my thumb between your canine teeth
and your fingernails in the side of my neck.
i fought you once and i want to fight you a thousand times.
i stopped being able to wait a long time ago and now i am ready
to grow up. no one taught me what that means
so i am going to do it myself.