“I hate myself”
I wrote these three words
On the upper part of my arm
Etched the phrase as if leaving a scar will always remind me
Of the fact that this was the truth
As I remembered my vow to never show if I was really happy
For if I showed it
No one would believe me
If I ever asked
“Help me…
... I’m hurt”
But I never asked
Because they couldn’t see
My pain was internal
And the physical feelings meant nothing compared to the mental
As if everything was beyond being gentle
And while I kept trying to make things rational
Beyond an intangible emotional weight
The world just kept on turning
And the sun kept rising
The birds chirping
And every day I woke up
Wishing I hadn’t
And every night I went to sleep
Wishing to stay that way
Until one day
I couldn’t do it
I realized that my life had become a self-righteous battle with myself
And upon that realization
I laughed
I laughed in my bed, as if everything made sense
And when I finally stopped laughing
I started crying
And I cried because I thought I just lost what I found
That realization which dawned upon with laughter
Was lost with tears
And then I felt my arm
To find I couldn’t feel my scar
It had finally healed
And in that moment
For the first time
In a very long time
I let myself feel happy