I take the pocket knife next to me,
The blade only touching my skin,
The feeling of guilt,
Remorse,
Regret,
Runs through my body,
Yet the knife still digs deeper into my skin.
The remorse disappears,
And a calmness runs through me,
My body becomes at ease.

Why did I do this, I ask myself,
I cannot lie to my one true love,
I have to tell her what I've done,
But something holds me back from doing so.

Laying on our sides,
Looking into each others eyes,
The words come out,
"I love you" she says,
Snuggling next to me with her head now laying on my chest,
I can't tell her now,
This happy moment I don't want to break,
"I love you too" I say, kissing her head,
I feel so relaxed,
Happy,
Loved,
Infinite,
I never want this moment to end,
I cannot,
Will not,
Tell her now,
I sit here and savor this moment,
All thoughts from the outside world disappear,
Never wanting her to lift her head,
I lay there,
Relax
Drift off to sleep with happy thoughts,
And not a care in the world.

Eventually I tell her,
Not in person,
Not on a video call,
But over the phone,

Big mistake,

Her eyes grew wide,
Those beautiful hazel eyes,
Filled with anger,
Anger and fear,

Big mistake,

She was afraid,
Afraid that I will get hooked
Afraid I would end up like her,
Hopelessly addicted.

Big mistake,

She was mad,
But she yelled for me to never do it again,
She scolded and said "what if it scars"
She reminded me about her wrist.

Big mistake,

She never fully emphasized her fear,
She may have touched upon it,
She never told me she cried after she was told
She kept it bottled up

Big mistake,
And I regret it.