I hate this feeling that I always have…
The feeling of not belonging
Feeling as if I no longer matter to anyone
I am alone no matter what
When you look at me
There are signs of regret in your eyes
Signs of anger and disappointment in them
You don’t want anything to do with me
You can’t even stand being in the same room as me…
When I look at you I can see the disgust on your face
It shows in your emotions
The way you talk to me
How you interact with me if at all….
To you I am nothing anymore
I have become something undesirable to you
Knowing all that hurts…
You don’t listen
When I try to tell you how I feel
You don’t pay me any attention…. Not like before
I haven’t heard you say “I love you”
Or even received any hugs from you in forever
I don’t see the light in your eyes when it comes to me
Where there used to be pride, joy, and love
There is now shame, regret, and disgust
Knowing this hurts
Even now as I write this I have a burning pain
I always do….
But when I try to tell you about it
You just walk away and never look back
So why?
Why should I bother anymore?
I’d just be wasting my time….
So like every other night before this one
I am all alone
I am sad and depressed
I am questioning why I am even here…
Why am I still here
In this family
In this house
Why am I still here hoping that you will change?
All I ever wanted was to mean something to you
Not to be a burden to you
I wanted to have you be proud of me
To love me
That’s all I have ever wanted….
Is that too much to ask from you?