It all started in her lungs
Mom had always had trouble with them
coughing all day, every day
the sound echoed throughout the house
almost a sound like thunder
though she wouldn’t put them down
The cigarettes, the reason it all began
the reason she coughed, the reason she was in pain
It was all because of the cigarettes
Scans
Scans were where it was found
That small lump of cells
Who knew something so small,
could terrify so many people?
Who knew that something so tiny
could change so many lives?
Who knew just one small ball of cells
could ruin lives?
Lungs
The doctor said it was only in her lungs
He said it could be fixed
I didn’t know she was sick at all
Mom had been coughing ever since I could remember
How was I supposed to know?
When she was always that way
How was I supposed to know?
She was sicker than she had ever been before
the doctor said surgery was the only way.
The chances were high
surgery was all it would take
that cutting it out was all they would need to do
It all started, in her lungs
but it didn’t only stay in them
Chance
The doctors told us something new
Something that scared us more
than the tumor growing inside of her
They said that mom had a chance
to have that disease
the one without a cure
the one that was so hard to get rid of
the one so many people died from
the one called Cancer
Early Thanksgiving
Before mom had to leave
we had a big party
I had never known my family was so big
People from all over, out of state and miles away
All came to see her, before the surgery
Even though it was the saddest reason
to be together, all of us
It was the best Thanksgiving
I have ever had
Surgery
Mom went in for surgery
It terrified everyone, though we were all assured
that she would be fine
We were scared for her
scared something would go wrong
Scared that while we were at school, or at work
thinking of other things
Mom would be slipping away
That doctor’s wouldn’t be able
to save her
Cancer
The doctors said
the tumor was Cancer
but they said they got it all out, too
They said the chance
that it would come back
was low, but she would have to see the doctor
Every so often
to make sure
it didn’t return
Helpful and Hopeful
Mom had to stay in the hospital
a week after she had the surgery
She wasn’t allowed any cigarettes
wasn’t allowed unless she was outside
but mom said she’d quit them
said she wouldn’t ever do it again
and she didn’t
Lies
Everyone used to say
“The day she quits, I will too”
They said that if she could do it
they could too
They never expected it to actually happen
that’s why when she really did quit
They didn’t remember
that they said those things
Coughing
When she got home
we all knew she’d be sick
she’d be weak
But it didn’t take her long to get back on her feet
Mom could never really sit still long
even when the doctors told her she should
She was back to her normal self
Cooking, cleaning, watching after us
Keeping everything in order
And doing more than we
Could ever see
But she could do all these things
Without the coughing
Gardening
Mom loved gardening
I remember seeing her
Even when it was dark
Outside, putting her green thumb
On every plant she planted
Making even the tiniest, poorest
Little plants I had ever seen
Grow to be tall trees
Or big bushes
Or beautiful flowers
Maybe she planted the flowers
Because they were beautiful, just like her
Hope Lost
Mom had been going back
Just like the doctor said
Getting checked every three months
Making sure it didn’t come back
Making sure she wasn’t still sick
That she wouldn’t be sick again
Everyone hoped for the best
And the scans showed nothing each time
Till she went down to Florida
She had deserved that, a trip away from home
Especially after all she had been through
But she didn’t deserve the headaches
Or the laying in bed instead of walking on the beach
Or going to the hospital, which I was never told of
I only found out when she was driven home
And when I found the note
The Note
I didn’t know mom was having trouble
Down there in that “always summer” place
I knew she was sick, but that was nothing new
She always had headaches, especially after the surgery
It wasn’t anything new
But what I didn’t know,
Was that she had gone to the hospital
That she was worse off
Than what she sounded like on the telephone
Then I found the note
When I came home from school, asking when she would be home
It was on the table, in the living room, right in plain site
I guess no one expected me to look there
No one wanted me to find it
But I did.
Only two words popped out
On that signed paper, all the way from Florida
In fancy writing, I read the two hurt-filled words
Brain tumor.
I couldn’t take it then
That my family hadn’t told me
That they had kept it from me
This horrible truth
That my mother had let them keep it from me
That she had known
That she didn’t let me know
I lost trust in them
From that note.
Time Passing
It took years to find the end of the long battle mom had fought
Years and years of hospital visits,
Radiation,
Chemo-therapy,
Years of pain, of hurt,
Years of her suffering just to stay with us a little longer
She could’ve given up
She didn’t have to stay and suffer for so long
But she did
She did it for us
She was scared of the end
Of what would happen to us, to her, when the time came
She was scared, of how we would go on, and how she would go on, too
Coma
We knew the end was coming soon
You could see it in her blank expression,
Her staring eyes,
She seemed in an entirely different world
At peace, but alone at the same time
She was slipping away each day more and more
Losing her sight, losing her ability to move, to feel,
To talk, to tell us what she felt
To tell us goodbye
The Rose
I knew it was coming close to the end
I knew the words I had kept inside me
Needed to come out
That I needed to tell her what she meant to me
How she had helped me
How I would miss her, when she was gone
I’d heard the senses of smell and hearing
Were the last ones to go away
So I bought a rose, a single rose,
And held it under her nose as I told her
What needed to be said
I set that rose next to her bed that night
And it passed with her
Gone were two beautiful things,
A loving mother, and a flower,
as beautiful as her.