I get called to guidance.
My heart's beating.
Did my friends tell her I need help?
I walk in,
“Oh sorry” I said.
There's a girl.
“No Lexi come in”
My counselor gestured.

There’s two chairs.
I take the closest.
The one further away from her
Due to a moment lacking thought.
“This is Victoria” My counselor continues.
We share a shy smile.

I know she's new, I know she's lost.
Thank god it's not what I thought.

“Could you show her around?”
What?!
I can't do that!
I smile and say, “Sure”

I'm not good with meeting new people.
Not now.
I'm emotionally detached,
unstable.
It's not fair to make me her first friend.
No, not to her.

She's quiet, good.
Already she knows how to survive here.
“Can you introduce her to some of your friends?”
Can I what?
I'm not the best influence,
Neither are my friends.
I don't want to ruin her
But again I say, “Sure.”

I hear a knock.
Another Girl, Kelly, I know her.
Our counselor gives her the same speech.
Thank god, I think to myself.
Someone better suited.
Kelly is one of the fake ones,
But she's better for Victoria.
More normal than me.

Kelly offered Victoria to sit next to her in second.
Now I feel guilty, I didn't.
But all three of us have that class together.
I'm supposed to show her around
I'll do that to rid myself of regret.

Second period.
I see them together
There’s an empty seat on the other side of Victoria.
I didn't notice until now,
Half way into class.
I can't move now
She'll know I made a mistake,
Another one.

What if I made things worse?
What if I made Victoria think I wanted no part of her?
That's horrible.
She already feels left out
It doesn't help that I'm cowering away from her.
I thought as I sat separated from her by Lauren,
The girl in-front of me, even she's better suited for this girl than me.

So now I sit here full of regret.
I would fix it,
I would spend lunch with her
But I don't like Kelly.
She's fake.

Lauren gets up.
There's an empty space between us.
I can see the back of her head.
All I have to do is say something,
Anything, but I can't.
Because I'm emotionally detached,
Unstable.

Maybe I'm just selfish.
But I can't bring myself to try
I can't bring myself to do a lot of things.
Maybe once she finds a stable friend...
I'll talk to her.
I'll be her friend too.
I'll be better.

The Lunch bell rings.
What am I going to do?
I don't have to decide,
Victoria leaves with Kelly.
She wants nothing to do with me,
Because she thinks I want nothing to do with her.

The hole inside me is growing bigger.
It's being filled with guilt, regret.
I stand up and walk out of class.
Alone.