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Devastated
May 28, 2010
Has there ever been a time
When you couldn't breathe
Couldn't seem to control
Your ragged and heavy breath
Or your heart beating out of your chest
Or the tears pouring from your eyes
Has there ever been a time
When you wanted something so bad
It was all you had ever dreamed of
Has there ever been a time
When the thing you want most in life
Is so close
That you could almost touch it
Has there ever been a time
When what you want most
Has been snatched away
Out of your grasp
Just moments before reaching it
Has there ever been a time
In life
When you've been left
Devastated
© Alexandra B., Marblehead, MA
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This article has 21 comments.
I must say, this is a great piece! The way you wrote it is just simply wonderful, as i was reading it i actually felt the emotions you put into it. And it is very relatable. Great Job!
If you would like, you should check out my article called "Thoughts of my Inner Mind" i would really appreciate the feedback. Thank you!
moosemitts SILVER said...
on Aug. 6 2010 at 11:27 am
The emotion in this is really strong, and it's something people can really relate to. Maybe to improve it you could replace some of the more general details, like "wanting something so bad" or "heart beating out of your chest" with more specific, weird little details of how you felt that people wouldn't normally think of. For example, maybe when you were devastated you slept under your kitchen table and wanted to stay there the rest of your life and be known as the woman who lives under her kitchen table because she's gone mad with grief. Or something like that . . .
squidzinkpen SILVER said...
on Aug. 6 2010 at 11:06 am
Not only do I absolutely love the emotion, but I love the literary elements that you used like diction and repetition!
This piece is one of the best ones I've read on teenink. You didn't write a flimsy piece about a break-up or love but one that you truly put your heart into. I like the way you never said what happened, you didn't tell a story and yet at the same time you let me know how you felt when it happened. You're a great writer.
iDogrocker said...
on Aug. 2 2010 at 12:10 am
I love that this has such an abrupt ending! It's really fascinating to me and makes me like the poem a lot more than I probably would. There's this cadence throughout the whole thing, and then BAM! The end. I did a little mental double take there. Nice work :)
Just.A.Dream SILVER said...
on Jul. 8 2010 at 8:17 pm
Very relatable. I love the way you describe the emotions, you can definitely tell it comes from the heart.
The flow isn't the smoothest, but not bad.
Good job!
OfficialApprover PLATINUM said...
on Jul. 4 2010 at 5:28 pm
I loved this, it was so descriptive and TRUE, perfect title, great use of words. Nice job.
writerinfinity PLATINUM said...
on Jul. 4 2010 at 3:11 pm
good job, very good job, light and heartfelt at the same time, you made the light heartedness light and didn't apply to much heartfelt. Excellent
HeatherBee BRONZE said...
on Jul. 3 2010 at 8:46 am
whoaa this poem's awesomee!! :DDD its so relatable!! i love itt, love it
WhiteRabbit BRONZE said...
on Jul. 2 2010 at 3:09 pm
Definatly, and I perfer not to speak of it, but great discriptions I love it when a writer puts herself into her work. Awesome
Shoka_no_sanraizu SILVER said...
on Jul. 1 2010 at 10:07 pm
I love this, I mean it is so true and I am sorry that when you wrote it that it had just recently happened to you. I enjoyed it good job. :D
sleeplessdreamer PLATINUM said...
on Jun. 30 2010 at 10:04 pm
I love this. I could really feel that longiing for something that you couldn't have. The flow was beautiful. And I love the last line being a single word. Really nice job. 5/5 stars!
ReadWriteBreathe PLATINUM said...
on Jun. 26 2010 at 1:50 pm
This is really good. I love that it's called devastated and not has there ever been a time. I also love the imagry. I can picture someone reaching for something and it being taken away. Nice work.
Bassoonkelley GOLD said...
on Jun. 25 2010 at 9:20 am
There's an urgency in your writing style that is really passionate, and I like that :) However, a lot of your diction is very vague and general. "When the thing you want most in life is so close" could be a detailed metaphor instead, like reaching out to save a child but you're always just inches away. Something concrete gives the reader a solid image to work with, and makes the writing more heartfelt. The adjectives you use in the beginning of your poem like "heart beating out of your chest" or "tears pouring from your eyes" are also very over-played. Try something fresh and unique that makes the reader squirm a bit. It'll be awkward and new and that's what makes poetry really exciting!
