The thing about ADHD is that I hold on to everything that gives me the smallest dose of dopamine.
            Unfortunately, that means I'm holding on to you.

You and your hats that I used to flip off of your head. You and your comments on the random objects in my Snaps. You and your stupid jokes about my hair
            and my diet
                        and my knee
                                    and my idiocy
                                                and-

You. You, the one that I went to with my questions. You, that didn't hate me when I told you I hated your sport. You, that I've been thinking about since that December day
            when you pulled me into the comics store with you
                        because you didn't want to go in alone.

And now I'm stuck with you in my head. It didn't help when you compared our hand sizes.
          It didn't help when you comforted me in that hallway.
                     It really didn't help when you called me over because "it was boring" where you                                      were.  
                                          The nose-to-nose comments
                                                     and the laughing over milk
                                                             and the stupid dance that we had that I still haven't                                                                      stopped thinking about because that was                                                                                                       all I wanted-

But I just didn't say what I felt because I didn't want to lose you. I didn't want to pull a "typical me". I didn't want to mess up whatever it was that we had going because it made me happy
            and it made my stomach flip in the best kind of way
                    and I never wanted you to stop talking because your voice gave me butterflies
                            and you appreciated it when I tried to learn about America's favorite game,                                              even though I can't stand it
                                                          and I think it’s insufferable,
                                                                   and when I was with you, even though my heart                                                                                         was going absolutely berserk...
                                                                                                my brain was almost quiet.

And then I noticed you start to pull away. The length of time between your replies slowed
            and our conversations became shorter and shorter
                        and the thoughts in the back of my mind made my heart lurch
                                    and my stomach churn, not in the best kind of way,
                                                and every voice in my head kept telling me to fight for you,
                                                            but I tried to ignore them and just...
                                                                        let you go.

I fumbled the bag. I fumbled it to China
            and to the moon         
                        and back again with my chaotic brain
                                    and my rambling mouth
                                                and maybe it was my fault
                                                            because I just felt too much
                                                                     and I didn't know what to do with it
                                                                             and it pushed you away because I don’t                                                                                    know how to deal with feelings and-

The curse of ADHD, of holding on to what makes me happy, even if it’s bad for me, has plagued my life once again. I can't let go of the memories
            and the feelings
                        and the jokes that never offended me
                                    because you could never hurt me...
                                                I think...

I keep trying to tell myself that I don't care.
            That it's okay if you leave,
                        that I won't mind if we're just friends,
                                    that I'll be okay if I never talk to you again.
But I can't do it.
            I mean, I tried to learn baseball for you.