The funny thing about people like me is that we don’t see it.

Not until everybody who doesn’t know us can see it.

Not

Until

It’s

Too

Late.

And maybe not even then.

We don’t see past the smiles,

We don’t hear past the laughter,

We believe that if there are good times,

Bad times don’t exist.

Bad times cannot exist.

We wear summer clothes in deepest winter

Not noticing the cold

Or the wind

Or the ice

Or the way our fingers have started to blue and curl

Because the cold cannot exist,

And everything is fine.

This wasn’t the first time it happened

And she wasn’t the first person it happened with.

I’d call myself a moth to a flame but

That would be a lie,

And I’m afraid of lying.

People like me are strays;

Forgotten cats living beyond the catching sight of eyes;

Something you know is there

But can’t ever place.

And we won’t blame you

Or

At least

I won’t

Because I wouldn’t

Notice 

Me

Either.

So how, when someone finally sees us

Watching the world from the security of shadows

Can we not only see the good?

My choice of friends can be self-destructive

I knew that

I must have known that.

It’s happened before

And it’s been called out by

Various epithets:

I’m the “give you my parachute” friend,

The “through the rough times” friend,

The “save you first” friend.

I do not complain.

The movies say these are good qualities,

The signs of a true companion.

For all I know these qualities are good,

Even if they hurt you,

Even if they control you,

Even if they break you in a thousand ways

You didn’t think

You could be broken again.

Maybe I’m just a poor test subject,

Unable to benefit from the innate gifts

Most don’t notice;

Unable to benefit from

Natural

Selection.

The one

Left

To

Die.

I won’t complain about that either.

I’ve been told that

I could do so much better,

Be so much more

If I just allowed myself to take a compliment,

To accept that I am acceptable,

To find “love” among those certain unalienable rights the founding

PARENTS

Gave to

PEOPLE.

I’ve searched for worth in myself

I’m trying!

I look for it

In mirrors,

On tests,

In the burns on my skin left by silk,

In the happiness of my friends,

In the cooperation of my family,

In noble deeds no one cares about.

I haven’t found it.

She couldn’t find it either.

She had it worse than I did,

That’s what she told me.

She said I might have a chance

To live a normal life,

To make it out of high school on my first try,

To make it out at all.

She said she didn’t.

I said she could do it!

I said she could do anything!

I said she could always talk to me whenever she needed and I would be there to listen!

She didn’t talk to me again for a week.

She didn’t apologize for her radio silence.

She didn’t provide an explanation

Even when I begged her to tell me

If she was okay,

If she needed help.

She said she’d tell me if she wasn’t

Afraid

That

I’d

Worry

And I couldn’t help my

Grim,

Croaking,

Laugh.

She disappeared again,

Then kept disappearing.

For days,

Then weeks,

Then almost a month.

I texted her every third day

For good luck

For time to let her respond.

She didn’t.

She still hasn’t.

It was her dad who told me she was going away for a while.

Not her.

But she’d long since stopped telling me things.

I’d learned not to expect it.

Her dad also told me she wanted to make sure I knew

I

Was

A

Good

Friend.

That

She

Loved

Me.

I couldn’t make sense of it.

She’s been

M

I

A

For six months

In

Counting.

Some days I don’t think she’d recognize me if we ever cross paths again.

Some days I hope she couldn’t.

That would mean we no longer had to be friends;

That I no longer had to suffer.

She would be looking for a stray cat

In a shadow I’d slipped out of.

Other days I hope she would.

I hope she would be so happy to see me

So

I

Could

Scream

At

Her

And

List

Her

Crimes

And ask how someone who “loved me”

Couldn’t see me suffering

When strangers could?

I was in the lunch line the first time someone asked me

If

I

Was

Okay.

He said she was controlling

He said he would help me.

I said I was fine

Because we had good times

So bad times couldn’t exist.

I’ve never said

“I hate you”

So much to one person before.

I’ve lost count of every

Silent word I shouted at her

In her absence.

Every soundless curse I aimed

In her direction.

Whatever direction that is.

I want to make sure she knows

How she hurt me,

How she tortured me,

How I kept showing up for her even when she wasn’t there for me.

I want to understand if she knew it all along

And pretended not to.

I am angry.

I have been angry for a long time now.

I’m angry at her

Lies

And habits

And sadness

And happiness

And silence

And humor

And hypocritical abandonment issues,

And I hope she is broken

And I hope she is whole

And I hope she heals

And I hope she never does

And I hope she’ll talk to me again someday so I can scream and hang up and block her and wish her well and finally tell her to leave me alone and really mean that I’m so sorry I’m doing this, I wish I could fix everything but I can’t and she’s just going to have to live with that because I can’t do this anymore and I hope she gets everything she wants out of life and I hope I never believe in someone like her again.

So, where ever you are,

Leave me alone