I remember being young

I don’t know how old

I remember my dad

I remember

something

What?

How could you remember so far back?

How could you

How.

You don’t remember

But I do

I want to cry

I remember

In a jumbled state of mind

Not sure what memories are mine

Because I can’t trust what you told me

I’m sure it was all a lie

a big disguise

and if you look me in my eyes

you’d see

tears stain my rosy cheeks

Cause i’m right back in that hotel room when I was seven years old

And i’m in the backseat of your car

Scared to make a noise

because

you’re drunk

and i dont want to die

i say i dont remember

all the scary nights

all the yelling

and the crying

and being too young to understand

i pretend im not hurt

i say i love you

but i cant love you when im terrified of you

i remember those nights

i remember you being sick

i remember crying in the counselors office once a week

i remember trying to understand

i remember being told i was lying

Liar.

A word no child should ever be called

because it messes up their state of mind

it triggers something so deep inside them that just the word

is like a time machine

pulling me away from this reality

back to that place

that i didn’t know was real

back to the place

where all this started

i miss you

i miss my mom

i didn’t mean to hurt her

i was supposed to protect her

but im so young

with too many scars

and i cant get out of that place from all those years ago

experts suggest if something happened over six months ago it can no longer affect you

i wish that were the case with my mind

because it’s been so many years

and yet here i am

crying on the bathroom floor

bleeding

trying to get out

trying to escape my own mind

i could call myself an escapologist

but my therapist says i repress my trauma too much

dissociative identity disorder

was first introduced to me when i was 12

i remember

no

i can’t remember

i remember but i can’t so i force myself to not

because maybe i made it all up

i’m so young

there’s no way i could know

but i can’t escape those long scary nights

i can’t escape the horrors in my mind

traumatized

she said i was traumatized

i wanted to laugh

i knew that much already

i grew up with my mother

i raised her

of course i was traumatized

i needed to know it was real

because the word Liar still echos in my mind

like a permanent scar that wont fade

i remember everything

so i remember nothing

because i can’t possibly

im fragile

i say to anyone who asks

im weak

i explain

but a voice inside me interrupts

no, my dear

you’re strong

you’re a fighter

you can do this

but i’m scared i argue

i’m not ready

i dont want to

the voice is soothing

like a mother

not my mother though

somebody elses mother

it says i’ll be okay

it says i’ll figure it out

i’m old enough to remember now

so i remember

jumbled

not sure whats real and whats a lie

but i remember

and i wont cry

because i am strong

and there’s no point in crying