The first born, 

The eldest. 

the one everyone relies on. 

Being the eldest daughter is like being stranded on a deserted island

with 500 people and being expected to 

somehow bring them all to safety by yourself.

Sure, people might pitch in their ideas.

They might encourage you to try your best.

Or even take the pressure off you shoulders for a few hours. 

But in the end, the spotlight is always on you.

Your always the one to clean everyone else mess

Always the one expected to cancel plans, be on-call and show up when needed. 

You’re the one cooking for everyone but yourself 

because expected to be the additional parent is your role.

And even though you  might have siblings

One, two, or even three,

Your always going to be the one they depend on. 

your the child who stepped in as a parent when the adults were  too childish to do their jobs

and became the therapist far to young. 

And refusing was never an option.

If you refused, your deemed ungrateful, disrespectful, and outcasted

So you must stay silent 

You must comply.

You are always going to be the first born.

Sometimes I wonder how much birth order shaped me.

did being the oldest create my entire personality?

Forced me to be a caretaker even when it wasn't my instinct.

I always wondered who I would be if I had been born last.

Would I feel responsible for everyone else's feelings?

Am I the only one who taught myself not to cry 

when i was upset?

Who looked after my siblings?

Would I still have been the good kid?

That easy kid? The one that didn't need to be looked after?

Who never needed to be checked on? 

would I be able to let my guard down?

Could I trust people that say they love me?

I wish I didn't grow up as fast as I did,

maybe played with dolls a little longer.

I wish I was a kid again.

I feel guilty for wanting to leave for college ...

Should I leave and pass down the torch to someone younger than me? 

Or should I just bear the responsibility because it was meant to be?

No one told me how bad it would hurt to divorce my family..

I want a free spirit that hasn't been compressed into a box of responsibility.

And yearn for the chance to finally break free and live selfishly.

But I know I'm the glue.

Why can't I be happy?

I need to put myself first.

But the question is 

who am I when I'm not fixing somebody else's hurt?

They do the best they can physically but hurting me mentally in the process

let's not forget the couple of times you did physically..

Never showed sympathy to my emotional side

Instead was told "suck it up" or "I'll give you something to cry about"

you ignore the signs of suicide

and the late night sniffles from my late night silent cries

instead of listening you judge, project, and dismiss.

Then often wonder why I'm always in my room, on my phone, in my own world.

Wondering why I act differently when I'm out with friends then when I'm home with "family"

then once able I try not to come home as much 

or when I'm out at her long coming home.

Not taking accountability for the emotional and mental discomfort you have made between us.

You noticed but deny

" I'm a great parent,"  you say

" well your brother/ sister never had a problem talking to me"  you say.

Well I'm not them. I me and I'm different. 

Not only am I a different person but I was raised differently.

The parenting skills you may have had as a child or even used as a parent doesn't work with me.

You rather punish than communicate 

or when you do you take it as me being ungrateful and complaining.