birth.

my parents are already planning out my future

“she’ll make a wonderful surgeon, look at her hands”

“definitely a volleyball player, just look at those legs”

why can’t i grow into my body before being told what to do with myself?

a few years later and i’m waddling about

i know little about the world and even less about myself

“what do you want to be when you grow up?

how should i know?

after all, i just learned the alphabet

and now i’m supposed to decide my fate?

decide

elementary.

here i am, just excited to be

i’ve made it to school, i get to learn all of the time

playing with my friends is really the only thing on my mind

playing pretend is our favorite pastime

but that’s just what it is

pretend

not what i want to do with my life

that’s not how they see it though

how can we be planning for college already?

i’ve only just learned how to write a proper essay

am i submitting my application so soon?

i feel so young, but people’s words tell me i’m old

“you have to decide soon you know”

decide

middle.

i’ve made it to here

my parents cry

“you’re so grown up”

but how could i be?

i’m not even a woman

i don’t feel strong

but maybe i should grow up, like everyone is telling me

but then again, how can i?

i barely know who i am, what i like

and now i’m being even more pressurized to decide

decide

high.

the fear is like a dark cloud

it’s getting worse

the only talk is about futures, colleges, life

i just want to enjoy the youth i have left

but have i even had any?

i constantly feel sick and want to go home

what is youth anyways?

has everyone experienced this pressure?

will i ever be free from it?

“you better decide if you want to survive”

decide

after.

here i am after deciding

i wish i had more time

somehow the stress of deciding is still there

i’m begging for a reprieve, but it never stops

it’s a vicious cycle that you can’t escape

your only chance for living is deciding

but do i even want that anymore?

i can’t decide