When I'm with my friends and family I hide my emotions

and only show my smiley, happy face.

I'm the one that comforts everyone when they are crying and sad.

So I have no one to cry to because I am that person that everyone cries too.

When I cry, it's a thing I don't do often.

It's not something I experience every day.

It’s not a thing I do every week

or every month

but I experience it in my lowest

when I don't have anyone to talk to

when I don't have something to take my anger out on.

It's something I do when I'm in my lowest and hating everything that surrounds me.

Yes, sometimes I cry of laughter

but that's not the crying I'm talking about.

I'm talking about the crying where you're screaming and yelling, and you can't catch your breath

and you're gasping for air.

I tell my friends that letting your emotions show is healthy

that crying is healthy.

but I don't take my own advice.

I don't cry when I need to.

When I need to cry

I just sit and breathe and don't let out that anger and rage.

I tuck it down in me so when I do cry I have so much I can't stop.

And when I cry, I get puffy eyes and the redness in my cheeks

the puffy eyes we all get when we cry.

I hate puffy eyes, and I hate feeling the redness in my skin.

I hate crying.

I hate the feeling of it

and the way it makes me sick.

The redness in my cheeks makes me feel ugly

And hopeless.

When I see me, red cheeks and puffy eyes, 

it makes me cry harder.

To a point, I don't ever think I can stop crying

but we all end our crying

and pain.

Someday,

Eventually.