Beep! Beep! Be—

My hand slams the alarm that awakens my awareness, muting the ringing that invaded my sleep.

6:16 am.

I retreat back under the sheets, feeling the comfort bring me back into a deep, deep sle—

Beep! Be—

My hand slams the alarm once again, awakening my awareness.  

6:22 am.

I slide the duvet off my goosebump filled legs and reach for the ceiling fan, clicking it motionless.

I see my dad’s baggy black sweatpants and sweatshirt sitting on my bedroom floor.

And I slip the clothing on, not caring that I wore them the day before.

My feet lead me to the bathroom where I stare at my pale complexion.

Not needing to think as I turn myself into nothing but an imperfection.

6:49 am.

My stomach growls like a tiger, but I don’t need to eat.

Instead I grab my backpack and slide my dirty, ripped sandals onto my feet.

And as I make my way out of the house and my air pods go in.

My thoughts begin.

What if I can’t find a seat on the bus?

What if I trip getting on?

Is my perfume too strong?

Does my hair look bad down?

Can they tell I forgot to put on mascara?

Do my nails look dirty?

7:13 am.

I snap out of my overthinking, and I see we’ve arrived at the hellhole called school.

I walk through the tight halls with my head down, feeling miniscule.

Sauntering into first block the first thing I hear is, “Happy Wednesday!”

I thought it was Thursday.

The next three hours of my day fade into a blur, from muscles and joints to photosynthesis in cells.

10:34 am.

As I sat on the tiled floor between lockers and talk to the voices of my friends themselves.

I question myself.

Did I talk too much?

Am I too loud?

Do I sound annoying?

I need to stop speaking.

And I do, I remain quiet and observe and eavesdrop on the conversations happening around me.

Because it’s how others want me to be.

11:35 am.

My last two blocks drag on, making three hours feel like nine.

And in each class, all I retain is that I have another assignment deadline.

2:30 pm.

Ding!

Exiting the school, I’m hit with fresh fall air, like every afternoon.

Looking up to the grey sky and already finding the moon.

2:48 pm.

I stroll through my house and begin my trudge to my room upstairs.

Immediately falling onto the bed I left unmade this morning because who cares.

6:25 pm.

Waking up in a sweaty mess, with a dry throat, and a stomach desperate for food.

Just for me to walk downstairs and be asked why “I’m in a mood”.

I’m not hungry anymore.

So back in my room, I attempt to begin the load of homework I was given.

Even though I have already determined that I am not self-driven.

9:56 pm.

I sneak to the kitchen to scrummage up a dinner.

But I never eat much because my thoughts tell me to be thinner.

By 11:21 pm.

I have showered, brushed my teeth, completed my skincare, and changed.

Yet nothing has actually changed.

Because every day, I do the same thing.

Wake up.            

                Go to school.

                                        Get home.

                                                           Take a nap.

                                                                                 Eat.

                                                                                      Shower.

                                                                                                      Go to bed.

                                                                                                                          Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

My whole life I was told,              

                “Highschool will be the best time of your life!”

                “Your teenage years will be full of memories and adventures!”

So,

Why am I just going through the motions?

Why is everything so bland?

Why is there nothing to experience?

Why is school so repetitive?

I just want something to happen.

I need something to happen.

Something that takes my mind off the stress that school produces

And something that breaks the cycle I follow day and night.

But it hasn’t come and I don’t know if it will.

It was always advocated that my teenage years would be supreme.

I guess I’m still waiting for them.