I remember coming back to school and people asking me where I had been

What I was doing.

My mind immediately flipped back to thanksgiving with my family

Everyone gathered around a big table,

Passing the turkey, cranberry sauce, and pumpkin pie

Walking through the door with glass dishes

Lightly covered by tin foil

A big smile on their faces,

Excited to share the food they loved, with the people they loved.

And I remember holding my phone just below the table

So I could google the calories in mashed potatoes

214.

I remember inspecting every bite of ham to be sure there was no fat on it

Re-arranging the food on my plate so it looks like I ate more

And I remember people noticing, and stopping only to talk about my

‘Weird quirks’

But I knew something they didn’t.

At least

A part of me buried very, very deep did

I knew that it was screaming at me you’re sick! but I couldn’t hear it over the numbers

How do I answer that question?

What I’ve been doing?

How do you tell people you’re sick when you have no virus

When it forms from thoughts in your head

How do you tell people the truth when the truth is 

You were fighting for your life against a monster inside of you

Having to fight every urge in your body just to eat a piece of pizza

How do you fight the monster when you have weapons?

You scream.

You scream the truth against it because the monster is made of lies

Lies like a piece of a cake will make you gain five pounds

That the pain is coming from eating too much not too little

That your beauty is determined by your size.

But I am done seeking revenge on my body for being different

My stomach was not made for you to look at in a bikini

My jiggly thighs allow me to walk

And run

And dance!

My b**bs, that are too big for your comfort, were not made to comfort you

These curves are not made for you to have an opinion on

Because I am a woman.

And I am beautiful.

So how do they answer their question?

I saw I came back from war.