i allowed myself to be second. for a while, i was okay with being second.

i was so completely and utterly consumed by you and your love, that i was okay with getting just a taste of it.

but now, im deciding to pull away. 

its not that i think that you don't love me. I think you love me very much actually. but you also love her. 

i would much rather be the girl that you think of when you see a butterfly and wonder what our lives could’ve been; than the girl that watches you watching the butterfly knowing that you're thinking of someone else. 

i don't want you to love me half heartily. I don't want to split you or share you. i wanted all of you. the good and the bad. i wanted real and raw and to be quite honest, the world that we were living in was none of that. it was our fantasy that we kept a secret because, we like our little world. 

but the reality was that you were still dating her, i was still second, and you weren't ready. and that's okay. 

you're still my best friend. you’ll still have me in all the steps you take in life. but i hope you think of me in the little moments. i hope you see us in the little things. i hope your heart still looks for me in everything you do. 

i know mine will be looking for you. 

i love you & i hope you'll always love me too. 

-j