Would you like to know something?

You make me feel horrible about myself half the time I’m around you

I know you don’t mean to do it on purpose

Or at least I hope you don’t 

But you still do it

You say innocent comments about my looks or weight

And it makes me feel horrible

You say things should fit me since they fit you when you were pregnant

You say I should go to the gym

You say I should go on a diet

Sometimes you even say I should stop being so lazy

But those words have messed me up

I don't eat lunch at school now anymore

I starve myself because I eat too much

And sometimes eat to little

Because I'm always trying to watch what I eat 

One of my friends has noticed this

She was concerned

And so she'll try to make sure I eat

It’s nice

She’s noticed and is worried about me

While my old friends didn't noticed I stopped eating until weeks later

So now I try to bring a small snack to eat so she doesn't get to worried

It’s nice to have someone worry about me

It’s wrong to think that 

I know

But

With you I know you don’t worry about me 

You care about me 

Yes but

I know I’m not your greatest concern

You don’t worry about me like you used to

If  you were to leave me alone for a month 

I would be perfectly fine without you

It’s good that I’m independent 

I know but sometimes 

I just want my mother with me

But the thing is 

You don’t notice that

You notice when I’m mad 

You notice when I’m quiet

But you don’t notice when your words hurt me

Because honestly

You make me feel horrible about how I look

When I look in the mirror 

I just see all the ugliness in me

Since I was nine 

You've made me feel ugly

Since I was nine 

You’ve made me feel fat

Since I was nine 

You’ve made me feel disgusting

I look at old photos from when I was younger

And think about how I felt at that time

Wow

You made me feel ugly when I was pretty

I looked perfectly healthy 

Yet you made me feel like otherwise

You made me feel to big

Looking at those photos now 

Make me feel horrible about the little girl inside

The little girl who felt fat

The little girl who felt ugly

The little girl who felt like no boy could ever love her

I still feel like that little girl

You have scarred me emotionally so much

But you don’t even realize it

I don’t think you meant to 

But you did

You make me feel like I’m not enough

Even now I feel like a disappointment

Except now

I’m competing with a four year old

And somehow I’m losing

Somehow in four years of life

My little sister

Has become everything you have ever wanted in a daughter

Somehow her little spoiled rotten princess attitude

Makes her the perfect daughter

I know I should be glad that Abigail has lived up to your expectations

And I am

But the little girl in me who wanted to make you proud 

Is hurt

Because the little girl in me has never seen you look at her 

With proudness in your eyes

Like you do for her sister

That little girl is hurt

But the girl I am now?

I’m numb to it

I’m used to 

I know I'm the disappointment

I expects nothing else from myself then to disappoint you

I know I will never live up to your expectations

But not the little girl

The little girl still wants to make you proud of her

But that little girl will never be enough for you