you were rain to me

i enjoyed you at times 

and there were time i dreaded you

u were the reason i stayed up at night listening to the rain 

paddling on my window 

the noise keeping me up at night 

just like you.

the thought in my head filling up to the brim

like a pot of coffee about to hit the edge

just a blow in the wrong direction 

messing up the whole thing

messing up the art as it is

i have always loved the rain 

the rain was a comfort to me

something i would listen to when i was stressed or wanted to read

something that was a grounding to me when i felt a panic attack coming on 

i called you

i called you when i needed your help

you told me 

“why is this my problem”

“just go call someone else”

it is my problem because for just some reason i love the rain

and to me you are the rain

something i love 

but just like rain it can be turned to snow

yet i’ve never seen snow

a side of you i have never met

the side that was truly you 

the side that did not care

the side

that taught me that i should never depend on someone

never show someone who i truly am

never tell people about my mom or about my thoughts that no one should ever know 

because no ever truly cares

but some have to right?

because the rain never just hits one spot

it hits multiple homes

not just MY window 

but the window of others

so maybe one day

one day where the rain won’t remind me of you

i will love the rain again

and finally see snow for the first time 

but not with you.

never with you

because you wanted me for my body

my hips

and my lips

not my brain

not my soul

not who i was.

u wanted me to use me

i defended you to my friends and you made me look 

like an idiot.

so maybe one day in a summerly field 

a rainbow will show up

the clouds shining 

and the rain pouring 

you won’t be my reminder of rain.

u will be my reminder

of thunder 

thunder

noun 

“a loud rumbling or crashing noise heard after a lightning flash due to the expansion of rapidly heated air.”

loud 

he always yelled.

yelled at me because i wore jean shorts 

on a hot summer day

the way he told me i looked to fat.

to big for jean shorts

“YOU'RE GONNA CHEAT ON ME” 

“WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?”

he asked me

right.

it was my fault…

right?

lightning flash

the way anger would flash in his eyes

the way that

when i spoke back

when i FINALLY defended my self 

shut up. 

what u told me when i needed help

“leave.”

what u did when i needed u

so u will remind me of nothing 

nothing will remind me of u

cause 

YOU

mean nothing to me anymore

goodbye rain...

for the last time