I’m sorry if my apologies sound insincere,

It’s only because I don’t feel anymore,

Numbed by the constant biting pain

Of being my own failure

I hope I don’t come off as a liar, or a cheat, or a scoundrel

When I tell you

I’ll be ready by tomorrow

The truth is,

I’ll never be ready,

My own heart beats with my many failings,

My mind swims with my anxiety

And the aching knowledge this is all my fault

Maybe if I was as good as the other students

I would be competent

And I could wake up

Knowing I have nothing to fear,

No matter if you scorn me or look at me kindly,

Silent rejection I still can’t handle,

I am dogged by my conscience

Which tells me

I could stop this if I tried

The step I must take is so small

Yet yawns in front of me

Like a gaping maw

Waiting to devour me whole

The ocean I see is nothing but a puddle

To the people in front of me

Who are much bigger,

And don’t need boats.