i learned to suck in my cheeks when i was nine

the inside of my mouth is a mosaic of craters and crevices

ridges and knots

my teeth schooled to attach to the inside of my cheek like a life float

blood is my morning coffee

a reminder that i am here

“sallow” cheeks along with the rest of me 

that i cannot suck in

i dont have to remind myself to do it anymore

i cant help but think that nine year old me would be proud but

it makes it hard to breathe

skin is not meant to permanently rest in between teeth

maybe the more i eat at myself the less hungry i will become

maybe i will be able to fall asleep without measuring the valley between my hip bones and skin

maybe i will be happy once i am finally dust once more

maybe you will learn to love the body that houses this mind

maybe not.

i suck in my cheeks further.