It's like when the air is soft yet somewhat cold that stings your throat. Or an east coast beach. Waves crashing along the rocky shore. Peddling a bike through a small town. Taking in the crisp Atlantic sea air. So eager for warmth—yet trapped by cool winds.  

My name is like smooth glass that has a crack down the middle. Or an imperfectly perfect circle. Wishing to be as great as its peers. It's like the number 3. Either starts the countdown or finishes it. 

It roots in Germany. The place many Americans come from. Meaning guarantee. Or in Latin bird-like. Stems from the Hebrew name Havva translating to lively. But it was given to me through a list of popular baby names. 

My whole life I’ve either been the sidekick or the loner. Constantly living in the shadow of everyone else. At school I never felt welcomed. Hiding; observing the actions of others to feel somewhat involved. Only because my circle wasn’t as perfect as those around me.

At home my name is like a siren. The howl of my father down the hall getting my attention to wash his dirty dishes. His stumble down the hall. Only to open my door and open his mouth. Or my mother beckoning me to follow her around. Fake smiles between the both of us as we scale the grocery store. 

This circle of recurring events makes me feel trapped. Which I believe is due to the padlock of my name. This padlock prevents me from reaching out. Having the liveliness the Hebrews intended. Being my own person. 

Ava is my name. Ay vuh. The ending uh sticking to my personality. Echoing into the following word. The uh pasting its heaviness on me. Keeping me from breaking out of my padlock which I wish to break free of. Become the lively, less uh Ava I'm set out to be.  

As I learn to embrace the crisp winds life throws at me, my name leaves less of a mark on me. I’ve come to understand that we all wish something was different. Yet it's about being grateful for the opportunities we experience, the people we meet, the things we learn. Not about wishing for the winds to change direction. 

I made the change for myself. Turn my uh into ah and learn to enjoy and be grateful for the life I live.