I wake up in a cold room

With one wall made of glass

The rest a haunting white

My mom sleeps in the chair next to my bed

She’s the most tired I’ve ever seen her

But she still smiles slightly when she opens her eyes to meet mine

It’s 7 am when the nurse walks in

She tries to look happy

But the burden behind her eyes reminds me

No one here is

-

My vitals are taken

My blood is drawn

I’ve been asked a million questions

Exposed in ways I’ve never been before

A broken mold of the girl on the bed, lying on the floor

More of a problem than a person

As they try to stitch me up

They don’t seem to understand

That I’ve already lost too much blood.

A TV static absorbs my brain

As they ask me that same stupid question again

“Can you rate your pain from 1-10”

It’s easy to most of the time

But what do you do when the pain isn’t physical

How do you respond when it resides in your mind

The most painful part of it all 

is realizing that nobody cares what it looks like in your brain

Until it affects your body

Maybe if I were dying of cancer

More people would have cared to answer

My cries for help

And maybe if you could see the scars

But not know how they got there

I would be considered a fighter

-

This place has become my favorite recurring dream

And I am terrified one day I’ll wake up and still be there

People lightheartedly ask where I was 

Who am I to give them the weight of the truth

But what if I don’t want to lie

I’m tired of pretending 

And wearily defending 

What I wish was true

And I wish I could look at the world

With bright gleaming eyes

And not notice how everyone has a rotting hole on the inside

If only deception weren’t the reason the it all seemed so beautiful 

From the inside looking out

And now that i’ve seen the places

No child should ever have to be

The world is nothing

But a crooked dying tree

-

His lack of sobriety is what I’ve tried to blame

For the killer inside of me

But even after the rehabilitation 

Of the one person who has always loved me

It still claws at my insides desperate to escape

It belongs locked up

But do I?

Trapped in a prison for those who committed no crime

I’m sorry

I couldn’t outrun the poison this time

When I woke up in that cold room

I wondered if I’d ever leave

Most of me did

But a part of me stayed 

Stained on the white walls

That still haunt me to this day