How can I even write?

I’m sitting here thinking of ideas.

Ideas for what.

Ideas to make me think I can.

To make them think I can write.

I’ve been so scared.

Scared that they won’t like it.

Scared they would judge me for who I am.

Scared they would think I’m not even a good writer.

Scared they would think,

“ Oh she is so stupid.”

“ Ha, she can’t even write.”

So I stopped.

I wanted to stop with everything.

Stop the way that I felt about myself.

So I started saying,

“ Oh I’m fine.”

When I’m not.

I started saying,

“ Yeah I hate writing.”

When in reality I’m scared.

I have feelings.

When people read my poems.

I have a feeling that they don’t like them.

They just act like they care and do.

When they don’t.

They don’t care because why would they?

Why would they even want to care about what I say?

It’s not even important. 

It's not even important because it's coming from me.

Thoughts just top it all off.

I’ve told myself so many times, 

that I can’t.

How I am so stupid enough to be writing this right now.

It’s like I can’t breathe.

It's like the world is spinning and it won’t stop.

But please.

Please stop

Please stop judging me for something you dislike.

Because not everything is meant for everyone. 

Even though there are so many other good poems.

Ones that I can bet are better than the one your reading,

right now.

There are so many things I won’t and don’t understand.

Like how I do this to myself?

Or why won't the world change?

And you are probably reading this poem, 

thinking, “What is she talking about?”

And to be honest I don’t know. 

I feel that I’m just babbling on and on.

And I hope that is ok.

I hope it's ok not with you but with me.

That I feel that I can share this.

Even though I fear that someone might not like it.

I know people who have an actual talent at writing.

And not just writing about their feelings.

But writing about things that make them happy.

Things that surprise them.

Or just ones that have so much value in their hearts.

Or maybe just maybe gratitude towards them.

I don’t want to write about my feelings.

I want this to be taken through thought.

Even if they are bad.

Even if that means you're judging it.

Even if I fear too much to know what you think.

Even if this means you don’t agree with anything that I’ve said.

Because all I’ve ever done is please people over and over again.

It’s time to please myself.

Even if it sounds like you won’t like it.

It doesn’t matter how scared I am right now writing this.

It matters that it helps you. 

Helps you realize that you don’t need to worry about what people say.

Even when I’m over here terrified.

But when I’m done fearing what people think then,

we both would have accomplished so much.

So be proud.

Even when I fear judgment.

It doesn't mean you should.