In Hebrew my name means “whom God showed favor on.”

you’ve probably seen that

on floral prints in a Christian book store 

the names Hannah and Anna side by side 

Anna comes from the Hebrew word 

 חַנָּה

Hannah 

my best friend’s name 

but I could never shrink small enough

to fit inside 

wasn’t the small anna within those cute and curly h’s 

wasn’t that

picture 

perfect 

pink 

Christian girl 

“whom God showed favor on”

I was

Messy

Self-righteous

Indignant

since those first days

I absorbed lessons and world-views

a wet sponge

the youth group’s walls dissolving around me

moldy remains 

I loved Jesus

love Jesus

but he was always more than the painting of a white bearded man in the preschool room 

to me

so when I went into the library and selected the books with colorful binding 

I wasn’t disgusted 

rather entranced 

by the heroines who analyzed their faith

like skeptic children inspecting the lettuce 

on their dinner plate

I liked asking the questions

found comfort in the mental exercise 

sitting on Hannah’s polka dot bedspread

I painted my nails 

electronic blue 

and asked if she believed in 7th day creationism

11 years old.