It's so close

I can feel the water briefly touching my toes

Before it sways back

And as do I

I don't know what I'm doing

I question why I'm here again

Why I'm at the lake

Why I'm here, still alive

My parents are there

Watching in silence 

As they wait for me to take the plunge

But it does not come

I'm scared

I have every reason to be here

At the deep freezing lake

Where my life is supposed to end 

I stare at my reflection at the shining water

Seeing it only motivating me

Because I don't want to look at it

No one would want to

It's begging for me to step in

To feel the ice cold water

To join the others

Just like me

A deep breath is taken

As a step to the water gets closer

A bursting cry comes

Stopping me completely

It's my father

He is crying

He never cries

Only when he realizes his mistakes of me

So was this a mistake?

Because I, myself, am not allowed to cry

I am not allowed to be sad

Not allowed to make mistakes

But what if I did walk into that pool?

My father and mother would only continue to mourn

I hadn't yet reached my goal to help othes as I'd hope for

And... I haven't met her yet

With that final realization

It hits me

And I am woken up

To only find it was a dream

Or was it a nightmare?

Because now

I don't want to die

At least

That's what I thought

Because now

In the real world

I can only see my reasons falling apart

And it hurts

My dreams are thrown back at me

The hope of achieving them dying down

Because I am not capable of reaching them

And what of my parents?

If only they knew who I was

But if they did

They would not mourn for me

But spit in the lake I had dropped myself in

And what of her?

I want to see her

I want to feel her

But that was only a dream

A false hope

Because no one would ever love me

No one would want me 

As the lake did