I like my name some of the time
it’s the first rain of fall
but not the last rain of spring
it’s the sunlit daisies on a hill where you watch time go by
but it goes too fast
it’s a dragonfly
but it’s all alone in a field of dead grass
it’s the blackberries I used to pick at a cemetery when I was younger
sometimes sweet
and sometimes sour

I am the fire that burns all
I am only the water when it is too late
I am the singing fluorescent lights in the endless hospital hallway
reminding you that you have been here before
and that you will return
I am the blur and spots in your vision
I become the screams in your head
that give you a mission
a goal
something to devote your entire existence to
whether the thought
it will all be worth it
isn’t or is true

my memories are gone
my brain is like a safe thrown in the sea
the people scream at me
I want them to leave me alone, to set me free
I dive into the lake of fire
I fall into the pit of hell
and there’s no one left to help
they all had wasted enough time on me
so they decided to leave
they finally realized that I was the problem
and for once
I don't blame them

I used to try to convince myself that this wasn’t something I was responsible for
but I don’t have the energy to do that anymore
so I run away and I slam the door
so I can save the last few people who wanted to do more
to help me, to swim me to shore
but I know my fate
it is only morally right to face it alone
to isolate
to sit on a hospital bed
to punch the walls
and break my bones
no words spoken
just a loud silence in my head
as I finally let go

at first it was freeing
but my hands started to get cold
but I was glad
because I knew why
then a fog started to fill my mind
it became so normal to me
I knew what I was in for
I tried to make it clear
but no one was ever near
at least not enough to hear
they thought it was just the winter sun
they thought more medicine would get the job done
so 50mg became 100
and the fog grew and grew
about myself, there was nothing I knew
I was barely conscious
of all the things that happened, I remember none
I was far
far
gone

I am mia
one with the trees
like them I will stand here for an eternity
watching the world disappear
sometimes wishing I couldn’t hear others’ cries so clear
because every scream of theirs becomes mine
and my mind slowly rots and dies
I sometimes dream of drifting away with the wind
escaping the rock that I’m rooted in
I long to fly beyond the clouds
to escape everything that is happening now
but the wind buries me in dirt and sand
I cannot breathe and
my lungs are sprinkled with dust
as I hear the water rush
it carries away the earth
the sand
and the dirt
now I do not suffocate in the sand or dirt but in my own insanity
I no longer wish to escape or to be free
because I know that is simply not possible for me
I’ve tried so many times
I will always be sick
someone you stare at on the side of the road
someone whose thoughts got too loud
I rely on music to drown them out
I listen to someone else’s pain so my tears and thoughts are not mine
but thoughts always return
it’s just a matter of time
and it gets worse
first
they burst my eardrums
and second
I bleed to death
a doctor says “you’re not well enough yet”
in the hospital cafeteria afterwards
my vision warps and curves
my head pounds
but I never hit the ground
I feel a sharp pain in my heart
from escaping, I am not far

the current is too strong
I break my knees
I fall
and pain is all
I cough and gasp
desperate for what I cannot quite grasp
the water fills my lungs
and all goes numb
the world leaves me behind
my body at the bottom of a river
no one can find