when I have children, I will make sure they know that I am their safe haven,

 that my touch will be fulfilling when their aching soul needs to be healed.

their first instinct will be to come to me when they need it the most.

there have been countless times that I have had the same pain and ache

and I yearned for my mother’s presence.

 I yearned for her warmth but when I went to her, it was never right.

the warmth of her body that had pressed against me moments after my first breath had become lukewarm.

every year since I was born, she has lost a degree.

it isn’t my fault but seems to have more of an effect on me than it should,

so now, her touch is no longer fulfilling.

I don’t go to her when I should,

I don’t even think about it,

if she can’t handle her own, how could she handle mine.

and to be honest, the pain becomes worse when you’re yearning but reach out only to find a cold darkness.

a cold loneliness.

and that is why I must be different,

I will give my kids what I don’t have because I can’t imagine them feeling as lost and painful as I have at times

when they come to me, I will give them understanding,

I will give them love,

 I will give them unbiased advice,

and when they start to feel cold and the frostbite becomes too much to bear,

I will give them warmth.

-J.M