“Is there anything you love more than yourself?” she says

"No," I say but inside I’m silently screaming in desperation as if a bayonet is being pressed into the crinkle of my forehead.

And my heart is screaming out…

“You”

It’s always been you.  You from the start, you to the end.  

You even on the darkest dampening day when it seems as if the clouds are sucking all life from the world around like a gray floating sponge.  

You when the sun is shining so bright even the glimpse of its rays could make one in the deepest of sorrow smile.

You to whom my heart belongs, to who it has belonged for longer than I care to admit.

And fighting my heart is like playing a game of tug of war with a 100-pound elephant in its home turf that has tied his end in place and is charging full steam ahead at me.

Or rather playing a game of chess because only my wittest trickery could ever keep my heart from screaming…

You

But this was one game I so desperately wanted to lose and even though I fought it with everything I had, I knew it was true.  

And I wanted to yell out for you.

But my mouth stays shut as if my lips are a door, always locked and no amount of pulling from my heart could ever reopen it.

You, who I will love more than anyone and everything that has existed since the first human ever breathed in the crisp autumn air and till the last will breathe out the smoky humid sigh of hope gone.

You shook your head in disappointment and dismay, the movement as subtle and smooth as the ticking minute hand of the clock in the schoolroom where we first met.

And you turned and walked away as I stood there silently dying inside.  

Every step you took away from me was another step I took towards hell.  

And all the while my heart is screaming out about my love for you.

So there is an answer to your question: “Is there anything you love more than yourself?” 

The answer is you.

It will always be you.