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lunar new year
is when your efforts finally prevail
as the savor of rice cakes bubbling in brine
creeps into the crack through the threshold
coaxing her into the kitchen with a longing
scribbled hastily across her face and
when you remind her of the old korean tradition
that she must have tteokguk to grow wiser
her resolve breaks with the bitterness on her face
and she tells you it’s only because
it’s lunar new year
is when there’s finally enough laughter
at the table as the gaping hole at her spot
is filled tonight and you won’t take her
presence for granted as you load an extra
dumpling onto her plate and devour her
the whole meal as her face glows with
every love loaded bite and you wonder
why a growing girl who loves food so much
would skip dinner every day but
you can ponder that later because
it’s lunar new year
is when this nonsense will finally quit
you hope as she thanks you with a short bob
setting her chopsticks in the sink and rinsing her bowl
you think that her ribs won’t show as much tonight
and that her sallow cheeks have filled a little
in the half-hour she stayed at the table and
maybe you’ll make tteokguk again tomorrow
you decide as she slips to the bathroom
even if it won’t be
lunar new year
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Some background:
A friend of mine used to have a lot of difficulty eating, especially dinner. We're both Korean-American, and on Lunar New Year, there is a tradition that one must have tteokguk (rice cake soup) in order to mature a year older.
Lunar New Year a couple years back, her father had told her that his biggest regret was "not eating more of my mother's food when I (he) had the chance". That night, she broke a personal rule for a traditional one. The story is from her mother's point of view, as my friend's absence at the table had affected her the most.
I think the saddest part of this poem is when it says she slips to the bathroom, at the end. A telltale indicator of bulimia is a visit to the bathroom immediately after meals. While the mother is overjoyed that her daughter finally ate dinner, the girl had gone to purge her meal after.
Despite the sad ending, that Lunar New Year was a defining moment in the beginning of recovery for her. I wrote this poem to encourage others into recovery because if we can't seem to get better for ourselves, we should try for the ones that struggle with us.