they say, 

are you a lesbian?

i froze,

looking up them, 

wondering how i got here.

do you need a therapist or something,

you seem like you're struggling,

they giggled, 

well,

i had feeling that they were recording,

and there was a hidden camera somewhere,

but i did not know.

i did not know.

the feeling of uncertainty struck me,

and i panicked.

i fled. 

pouring rain outside, but i did not stop running,

like a thief who just got caught, 

like an all-time loser.

maybe that was what they wanted,

the bullies,

they were bullies,

i thought to myself back home while drying up my hair.

they were probably harmless, 

i mean, 

we're just teenagers,

right?

DING DONG

One new text message, from an unknown number.

Just poppin to say, you're definitely gay,

you're such as loser,

you should be ashamed of yourself,

seriously.

yours, M.

i trembled, 

like a defeated clown.

dressing with denim jacket, 

wearing dirty sneakers, 

and cutting my hair short, 

i have never thought about my sextuality.

well,

am i a lesbian because i secretly admired Ms. K back in middle school?

or because i love zendaya a lot?

but,

i liked boys too, 

becasue i am a virgin?

does it make sense?

i don't know.

i want to deny it, 

but i don'r even bother ro say anthing to the bullies.

i don't know.

are they bullies?

or are they just speakin the truth?

i don't know.

and i'm too scared to think.

living in cowardice, 

am i?

or am i just protecting myself in a mature way,

am i?

hearing the tik tok sounds from the clock,

i feel the time running away, 

slipping away,

and i can i capture them, or save them.

i don't know if i'm gay or bisexual, or just straight. 

because i long for more time to process the information,

which is devouring me right now.

empty expressions and faces outlined in grimaces, 

are probably the definition of existential crises.

i'm going through these crises,

facing all the questions that have no answers,

am i alone?

i don't know.