0:01 – The first note plays. I am already on the verge of tears.
0:08 – I see your icy blue eyes. I see them beaming at me during curtain call. I see them sympathizing with me after Oliver died. I see them rolling back in your head.
0:15 – You’ve just told a dad joke and you’re grinning your lopsided grin. You nudge me, “C’mon, you know that was funny!” It wasn’t, but I laugh to spare your feelings.
0:25 – We’re sitting in your big grey recliner, reading Dick and Jane. I remember sitting on your lap. I melt into your arms as you read “See Spot run!” After this we’ll read Pinkalicious.
0:37 – I’m thinking of all the dance classes you took me to. All the volleyball games. All the rehearsals. All the school events.
0:42 – The tears have started. We’re at McDonald’s now. You’ve ordered a Big Mac meal and two apple pies. Today is one of those days where you’ve also gotten me a water cup and filled it with sweet tea. Those were always my favorite days.
0:50 – I watch you die all over again. I watch those blue eyes blinking, but never fully closing. Looking but not seeing. I hold your hand and it’s cold. I know that you’re on life support, but I also know you’re not really here.
1:03 – I remember the night you went into a coma. My youth group leader came to my house, and that night was the first night I ever heard this song. You should know I can play the whole album in my head from memory now.
1:12 – I envision the cover of The Sound of Music. I see Julie Andrews and the hill she spun on. I imagine this hill when I miss you. I imagine myself twirling and twirling, and then suddenly you appear. I give you a hug.
1:21 – We’re back at the hospital. I have to step outside of your room. I realize that you are gone, really gone, and I’ll never get to say ‘I love you’ to your face ever again.  
1:33 – I’m remembering your hugs now. I remember leaning on you, literally and figuratively, and when I tell you about how much I don’t want to do my homework, you tell me if I get it done now, we can get Bruster’s later. My homework gets done quickly.
1:47 – I see your big white van in the front of line after school. You tell us if we stop fighting, you’ll let us vacuum your car. I can’t believe we thought that was a reward back then.
1:56 – You’re showing me the music video for “Karma Chameleon” for the umpteenth time. You’re singing along and it sounds just as offkey as when you sang it the first time.
2:12 – I’m seated at your funeral. We are all wearing blue because it was your favorite color. Outside the church there are Marvin the Martian plushies and a giant Dr. Doom toy. A table is set up where people can write the phrases you used to say. The most common are “Hey pretty lady,” and “As it were”.
2:24 – I want you to know that I still wear your t-shirts and jackets. I can’t wear them out, because I haven’t figured out how to style a 4XLT yet, but I often wear them to bed. They stopped smelling like you a long time ago, but I’m not sure if that’s a bad thing? You weren’t exactly the best when it came to hygiene, but sometimes I wish I had never washed those shirts.
2:40 – I think about Sean the police officer and how when we would go to your work, he would always keep us entertained. I remember how your boss hated it when we would scan books for you or stay up at the front desk with you. I remember how you hated all of your coworkers and often called them incompetent.
2:45 – I miss you. I really, really miss you.
3:04 – You know what I can’t get over? The fact that you didn’t tell us you were hurting, didn’t tell us you were sick. If we had known, maybe we could have helped? Maybe things would be different.
3:12 – Do you remember Libby Lu? I was so devasted when they closed, but I remember we still had the fairy dust I got there forever ago. It’s long gone now, but I remember sprinkling it all over your hair and clothes. I still don’t understand why you let me do that. The sparkles wouldn’t wash out of your hair for days.
3:40 – I’ve reached the end, and I don’t always cry, but I’m sobbing at this point. I’m angry with you. And I’m sad. And I’m scared. And I’m alone, but I’m remembering the good times, so I’m comforted. I feel sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you, I’m sorry I didn’t know that you were hurting. I miss you. I love you.