I look at the world

My favorite four white walls

The prison I locked myself in

The key hangs in my head looming over my thoughts

A stormcloud of worries

Get up

Why won’t you get up

You’re lazy

Eat something

Drink water

Take a shower

Clean your room

Change your clothes

You’re disgusting

You’re worthless

Stormclouds that only grow

The swirls of wind and pelting rain mix so well into tears

The days turn to weeks and the weeks to months then to years

I have to get up

I have school

Work

Responsibilities

The slow droning of headaches become the normal

The same sweatshirt becomes a running joke within my friends

The clothes I once wore hang in my closet collecting months of dust

Thoughts in my head weaved bars so tight I can’t see the light on the other side

Dehydration had become a comfort

The growling of the pit in my stomach had become the ambiance of my life

Mattresses should remember the sloping curves of your back right?

Pillowcases should know exactly where your head lies right?

I’ve never met an alarm clock that liked me

The days become short but also terribly and insufferably long

Like walking through minutes of molasses

The sweet aftertaste of lost opportunities 

The aftertaste of failure that never leaves

The aftertaste that coats your tongue in sickly sweet doubts

Why am I not good enough?

Why can’t I just sit up?

Why won’t my legs move?

Why am I not hungry anymore?

Why won’t I just get up?

Why can’t I love myself enough to try?

Why am I not good enough?

Will I ever be good enough?

Those storm clouds only grow

They grow 

And grow

Util those restless winds knock the key to my own personal prison off the hook

And into my hands

The golden key shining with freedom and opportunity 

Weighs heavy with fear and mistrust

What happens when I unlock the doors?

What if the key doesn’t work?

Who am I without these four white walls?

That key stays flat in my hand growing heavier with the weight of my worries

Heavier with the weight of my doubts

Doubts of myself

Of who I am

Of what I’m doing

I can’t do this

I don’t know what’s out there

I don’t know who to be without my storm clouds and my prison bars 

I swallowed those worries 

I washed them down with salty water

I swallowed those worries

I washed them down with uncertainty

And that key turned

Those thoughts untangled themselves and showed me the light I have never seen before

I smiled 

And I meant it

The mask I wore cracked and fell to the floor in a plume of dust

Taking my doubts with it

Those storm clouds parted and the hurricane of thoughts that swirled in my head breezed past

The sun came out 

That key turned with the words

‘I need help.’