A new beginning

The air is crisp, filled with the scent of fall around the corner

The leaves begin to acclimate to the change in weather

Eager children prepare for the nine months ahead of them

Much like a leaf, children are expected to undergo transformations

Once a seedling of a mind, to budding, to a sapling, to a beautiful tree

Each branch allowing growth and the absorption of knowledge

Storing every memory into the trunk of the tree

Each year allows for felling, and makes room for a stronger tree to grow

While it may look like an old wise tree, it experiences new beginnings as the seasons change

Growth

Let me go

So I can grow

You cut my sapling

Over and Over again

Leave me be, and let me mend

I am strong, and I will heal

Slow and steady

I will grow

Higher and Higher than before

Death

Death,

Some wonder what it is you hold,

Others fear you,

Others succumb to you,

But what are you?

What is it that fills you?

An endless dark void

Happiness that has been long missed

Either way, the pressing question is, what comes of you?

Broken Barriers

I was doing so well

I lifted myself off the ground and walked away

I held my head up high when gravity was working against me

I forced my tears back as painful as it was

I masked the pain with a different face

I placed bandaids to cover the deep wounds that were slowly healing

I distracted myself, yet my mind would wander

I’d try to stop the waterfall of tears

Whispers would turn into screams when my barriers grew weak

Try try again became too familiar

What is a valuable lesson if all that was worth it ended in so much pain?

Time moved on without me

Showed me it’s trickery by leaving me with my suffering past

Walls, once tall and strong, now broken

I believed you were my net saving me from a crumbling decaying wall

I had blocked myself from the pain but did not know that It would only worsen

I struggle to fix the broken bricks, one by one back into place

But not the same, crooked and unlevel

But you will always be there to kick it down again

Why? Why do I let you in, why do I fall?

Exhaustion, lassitude, strained and deprived

What is left to do when my wall is down?

Close my eyes…

For a long...long...time

Your Game

Life is a revolving game

We play along day by day as we have no choice

Our actions move us farther into the game

Each path we take is different from others

Our pawns separate allowing for the creation of a new beginning

A new game

Yet some are fascinated by trapping others in their twisted games

Your mind is not your own, manipulated by the creator

Simply for their joy, everything you do is constructed

The knowledge of what is real and what isn’t becomes clouded

Suddenly you are no longer advancing in the game

You are stuck

Trapped in a level that is perceived as unbeatable

It is too soon to press the looming quit button

Why end it all when you have faith that maybe you can escape?

You allow the mental abuse over and over again

Hope; Hold On Pain Ends

But does it really?

You are far too gone in their game, your only choice is to succumb

Let the game widdle you down, take your last lives

Till you are nothing no more

Mirror

“Mirror Mirror on the wall who’s the fairest of them all?”

To me a mirror is both a beautiful and a daunting thing

You are so simple, yet you hold all of our worries, negative thoughts, and funny faces

You judge me, laugh at me, make me cry

But you make me smile

You know what I look like yet I don’t without you

You see me at my most vulnerable, private moments

I look within you, I see myself….

You make me look at a person I sometimes wish to push away

I use you to make myself someone I’m not

You see me for who I am, and who I try to be

You watch me cover the pain, and the hideousness

Yet when I’m covered, you make me smile

I see the person I want to be

And for that moment I love you

I can stare into you forever

Picturing things differently, wishing this or that was gone

But you know who I truly am, you see the things I hide from society

You see that I am struggling with myself, I can hide it from people but you know to well

You make me strong, you force me to see the things I’m unhappy with

But that only makes me want to throw my weaknesses away

You are so simple yet complex, you are beautiful because you make me see the real me

You repeat the words I say to make me confident

Your only job is to reflect

And you do it so well

One with Nature

The mountains to my left and right seemed to engulf me with rocks and trees

The sun shone through the leaves nearly blinding me.

A  murder of crows emerged from the treetops as if something had spooked them.

The creaky elder trees made a roof over the gravel trail I walked down.

It was dark and mysterious, it was so quiet you could hear the pebbles crumbling under my boots

The clearing I reached had a view that was of an Albert Bierstadt painting

You could see for miles, you could see where the peaks of mountains met the sky

The rows and rows of colorful trees

reds like cheeks bitten by the cold

Yellows like the sun or a field of sunflowers

Oranges like ripe pumpkins ready to be served as a warm pie

I took a deep breath in, the air was sharp, and earthy, yet there was a warmth to it

As the wind blew, you could see the trees quivering as they lost thousands of leaves leaving them bare

I had followed a small path behind me

Along the way, I could feel twigs and acorns, snapping and popping under my boots Squirrels and chipmunks scattered up the trees to watch me from above

They chittered and chattered, as if they were yelling at me for stepping on their food They shook the leaves, causing tiny raindrops to fall upon my head, startling me

The path disappeared under me feet and I was then walking in between pine trees

Stepping on millions of brown needles that also somehow ended up in my hair

I finally reached an opening

The sun was so bright I had to shield my eyes with my arm

The pond was beautiful

I was expecting murky water...

But what I found was bright blue water reflecting the sun’s rays

Allowing everything around it to be touched by the warmth of the bright yellow ball

I walked over to the still pond and looked at the person staring back at me

Ripples were made by tiny frogs making a get away

The person looked so different

Long brown hair, and eyes were shining brighter than usual

She smiled at me and I smiled back

She slowly put her hand out, as I reached for it, I felt an overwhelming power come over me, I fell in slow motion into the girl’s arms

The pond was deeper than it looked

I didn’t sink, I floated in between the surface and the mud below me

I was weightless, my hair flew out in all different directions

Little bubbles escaped my nose and rushed to the surface

The sun danced above me, it’s rays all around me, creating an ambiance, a glow

It was so peaceful I didn’t want to leave

It felt like I could hold my breath for hours

I let all my anger, my built up sadness escape through my fingertips

I wasn’t scared of staying there, in fact I was happy

I felt free, I felt like nothing could’ve reached me... I was one with nature

Soak it In

A precise turn of the handle in between the blue and red lines.

The powerful gush of water streams out.

Steamy bathroom. Overflowing tub with bubbles.

A beautifully created ball of powder, dropped in, spreading its colors.

Its rich scents filling the atmosphere of the room.

You dip your toe in. Not too hot, not too cold, just right.

Your entire body submerged, floating in the colorful water.

You feel weightless.

Yet somehow congested with the sadness and anger from that day.

They day you thought wouldn’t come for a while.

The day when happiness and love escapes you in the blink of an eye.

Where did I go wrong?

How does two become one in a matter of seconds.

Words words words is all it took.

One harmless phrase and now you’re alone...in the tub...staring into the candle as if it had magical powers to take you back.

You reminisce of the fresh yet somehow already old memories you have of that one. The one who held your head above the water when you were weighted down.

The one who not only lit a candle for you, but was your candle.

The one who was your water that kept you a float all of a sudden engulfing you, drowning you.

You slowly sink under the water holding your breath.

You feel the tiny little bubbles on your skin. It feels like forever when you are under. You are away from the world.

A dark mind filled with the colors of rage yet balanced by the ominous blues of the overwhelming sadness.

Change

Something a lot of us are afraid of.

It’s the word that makes us question what will happen next?

Makes our minds race, palms sweat, and our heartbeat faster.

I went through a change that altered a lot.

It pushed some of my friends away and pulled the loyal ones closer.

I had something good. It was new and I learned exciting things about myself.

I was possibly the happiest I've been in a long while.

Everyday I woke up with a smile on my face, ready for the day ahead.

It was good for a couple of weeks. I fluttered my way around the world

Then it all fell off a cliff.

Destruction happened in the blink of an eye.

My smile went to a frown, my happiness was depleted and I felt nothing.

I was alone, in a deep dark hole, and the ladder kept moving farther up without me.

Change happened like a lighting bolt. In a flash, there was a hole in my heart where the bolt struck.

For awhile pain was all I felt. Physically and mentally I was sore.

Every movement I made created aches that followed.

I had a dark shadow hovering over me everywhere I went. I still see him sometimes.

It is so hard to get used to change, but if you don’t it can destroy you.

We were built to go through ups and downs, it’s how we handle it that matters.

We are made to adjust, it will take time but I learned that no matter what you can adjust.

There will always be little scars left behind but they are there to show you that you made it through that change.

Heart Ache

What is love without pain?

Some say true love can never hurt

You’re blindsided by the passion

You fall for them

Some might be caught like they’re hoping

While others scrape their knees

Repeatedly

Your palms become bruised from catching yourself over and over

Yet you believe someone will be there next time

You’ll fall, shut your eyes preparing to hit the ground

But you stop inches above, the concrete begins to move farther away

Raising you up higher than before

They brush of the pebbles embedded in your skin

Hold your hand and tell you they will never let you fall

Your trust flows through your fingertips

A bond that will never be broken

Your heart mends and beats again

What a lovely thought

It’s all a day dream

You’re still on that cold concrete

Your heart next to you shattered from the boot stomping on it

Piece by piece slowly disintegrating

Yet the pain is still attached allowing you to feel every ounce of love leave

Your eyes slowly open and close

The burning tears stream down

You open your mouth to let out a scream yet the pain is so agonizing it’s silent

You lay there

Praying for the heart ache to stop

Will it ever stop?

Battle Scars

I fought long and hard

I have the scars to prove it

All I ever wanted to do was to show you my love

You took for granted

You used it to your advantage

Took my heart gently at first

But slowly cut it with your lies

Plunged the knife deep

Twisted it and showed no mercy

Took it out and told me everything was okay

Whispered what I wanted to here so I’d believe you

I’d come back every time you told me it was okay

But I walked towards the knife you were holding out inches away from me

You masked it with love and tenderness

And slowly twisted it back into my chest

Battle scars, oh how you riddle my heart with fear

You remind me of the harm I allowed

You healed each time

A strong muscle fighting through the pain

Remembering the signs of your slow killer

Reminding me of how I was fighting for something that ended up causing more harm

Memories, oh memories buried in my battle scars

Artifice

By definition, using cunning expedients to trick others

But I can sum it up in one word

Your name

You fooled me with your friendship

Used me for simple tasks that you could not complete

I was superior to you yet I didn’t know it

Pretended to be there for me when I needed you the most

I pushed my loyalist friend away without knowing, just for you

You made me feel needed

When really you were longing to follow someone

You thrive off of drama

Off of other people’s issues

You’re nothing but a lost puppy desperate for affection

Pain

Some say

The ways I manage my pain catalyze the ever growing darkness inside of me

Maybe they are right

Or maybe the darkness has already taken over

But what they don’t know is that my methods distract me from the pain you cause

The pain that no one sees because it’s hidden behind a mask

The pain that slowly boils everyday as you increase the heat

The pain that riddles my bones and fills my lungs

The pain you cause without caring what effect it has on me

I remember a time when shoving it into a dark place no one could find was easy

When I could be asked if I was okay and they believed me when I said yes

When I didn’t have to hold my breath in fear of screams escaping

When lying to myself was easier because I didn’t realize how bad the pain was

But now

Times have changed

Old distractions no longer work

The pain inside only subsides when physical pain occurs

Scars mark my attempts of focusing on a greater pain

Only one scar was enough

But now clusters of them

Line by line they tell a story

Not a fairytale, but a nightmare

They read off my calls for help that no one heard

Fresh ones cover the old ones but they still  yell out in distress

“Please”

“Please help me”

After

I often don’t regret much simply because everything is a lesson in life

I believe that things happen for a reason

While not all events have reasoning for happening

Most do

I’ve never questioned my beliefs until you came along

I needed a distraction from the depression someone else caused

You were here and gone in a day

You only wanted one thing from me

But I was so blind to see it

My ears rang over the dangerous tune you sang

You made me smile

That was all I needed

I had not truly smiled in what felt like years

But you ripped it away once you had what you wanted

Stay after with me

I didn’t question the proposition

I was happy and leaving would end my joy

I stayed

You whisked me away into a dark place

Laughed for a moment and grew silent

My eyes opened but it was too late

I had no choice

I was trapped

It was my fault

What you did was evil

I suddenly wished to be with the other person who once made me feel happy

The other person who once healed my heart but soon broke it

I was not in my mind

I came back to realize what you were doing

I argued but you got your way through force

I closed my eyes tightly in an attempt to find my happy place

But you crowded it with the pain you put me through

It felt forever, once done you discarded me as if I was a lost puppy

You told me thank you

And I choked on my tears

You wiped some of them away

And told me I let you do it, told me I begged for it

I asked myself, does everything happen for a reason?

Your Hoodie

The first time I laid with you

I rested my head on your chest

You wrapped your arms around me

And I sank in your hoodie

Warmth, Security, Comfort

It brought me joy

Lit a spark in my heart

Shades of gold spread through my veins

My body went from dark to light in seconds

I cuddled closer

Your arms tighter reassuring safety

Your heart sang a lullaby

Mine joined making it a duet

Silence broken by the rhythmic beating

Your hoodie reminding me of the love I felt

The song we created

The sweet smell

The warmth that replaced any coldness in my heart

The comfort that broke my solitude

And the many smiles it brought to my face

Oh how I miss your hoodie

    Solar Eclipse

Be my sunshine

Shining bright

Lighten my day

With your beautiful rays

Bring color to my cheeks with your warmth

Let me feel your embrace with your bright ambiance

I’ll be your moon

When it is dark and you are scared

I’ll light up your room and keep you safe

I will fight the monsters that hide on you

I’ll glisten upon you reminding you, you aren’t alone

Time ticks on and I will go away

Only for your return once it’s day

On rare occasions we will meet

Face to face

Cheek to cheek

We will align and create a beautiful glow

Somewhat harmful but better than a rainbow

We continue our cycle

Protecting each other

Waiting for the time

We meet again