Anxiety

Voices echo behind me

I know that I can say something

Do something

But it never happens

It’s like I’m trapped

Trapped in my own mind

I feel numb

Powerless

Their smiles disappear

They reveal smirks

They jeer and laugh

Is it in my mind?

I’m like a puzzle piece

Struggling to be let in

But just not the right piece

Smiling is funny

Sometimes you don’t feel like it

But you manage

It’s like I’m acting

No stage

No spotlight

I’m just tired

And empty

“How can someone be so sad?”

I ask myself

My younger self

Someone who is not hurting

“How is someone so happy?”

I ask myself now

Now and then I smile

Now it’s real

It used to be fake

Like glass

Ready to shatter

At any moment

When will the darkness end

How does it end

Why won’t it end

Are they really sad

Everyone is now

They say they’re just tired

They’re “fine”

Are they?

When I’m in a group

I feel like I’m not really there

I’m just a figure

My words are pushed away

Like a small breeze

They’re unnoticeable

I remind myself to not care

Not care about the thoughts

In their head

The looks they give

The words they say

But it doesn’t work

It still manages to win

You succeed

It lasts a day

You fail

And it lasts a week

I’m looking for a light

A string to pull

That will shower me with light

I find it

It lasts a while

But then it burns out

It doesn’t last

Why should it?

They say nothing lasts forever

What am I doing wrong?

The voices circle back to my head

I wanna fall to my knees

Cry

They can laugh and sneer

All they want

But I need to find a light

Once again

They tell me it “will be ok"

But will it?

They say:

Just ignore them

Just push past it

But I can’t

It isn’t that easy

But I will be ok

I’ll smile and laugh

It will be ok

For real this time