My soul can’t stop itself

From reaching out,

Out to find you.

My heart can’t stop itself

From beating,

Beating strong for you.

You, whose skin holds the warmth of the sun.

You, whose smile makes me forget my pains.

You, with your laughter and jokes.

You, whose presence keeps me sane.

But none of that

Was ever meant for me.

Because I see the way you look at her,

With all the love I could only ever wish for.

And yet,

Never can I hate you,

Nor do I ever blame you.

She’s everything I could never be,

With not a single flaw

That you could always find in me.

But love,

Love is another story.

Because love is nothing

But a devastatingly wishful lie.

Yet it fills my heart,

Until all it takes is a touch

For it to fall apart

And spill every essence of me,

Staining my memories

With every lie

I had believed in

Because of my love,

Love for you.

I don’t want this anymore,

Can’t take it anymore.

The tears burning my eyes,

And the crimson rain falling

From the tattered and torn

Seams of my heart.

The dark abyss of the ocean that drowns me,

Beating me until I nearly fall apart

And my screams and cries

That go unheard,

Silenced by the stormy waves…

Each time I see you with her,

I see what could have been:

Instead of her,

It was me with you.

It was me wrapped in your arms

Held safe with the reassurance

That you were different,

That you loved me too.

But then I would remember,

Be brought spluttering to the reality

That things are

Just as they always will be,

Like the way you will

Never return my love to me.

Still, I cannot stop

My stuttering heart,

And still, I cannot help

The reaching of my soul,

My very being,

For you, you, you…

Because there is an aching there;

A hole left by the absence of

Your love.

Over and over and over again,

I watch you turn away from me

As I fall into the shadows

Of the girl I wished to be.

Every waking day,

And every dying night,

I’m haunted by the memories

I’ve shared with you,

And I’m taunted by the dreams

I’d have of you.

This love I dream of

Has become a nightmare

That I cannot wake from.

I’ve trapped myself

In this loop of misery

With no sign of freedom.

This love you speak of,

Has done nothing

But bring me pain,

And I can’t help

But feel the crippling fear,

Of falling once again.

I refuse to do this again,

I won’t let it happen.

I cannot afford to

Fall for you

Only to shatter on the ground

And force myself

To pick up the pieces…

Glue myself back together,

Paste a smile upon my face,

Still hoping

That you will change.

I refuse to do this again

Because I know,

Know that I won’t be able

To fix myself anymore.

The pieces will have become too damaged,

The dried residue of glue too weak to hold.

And now,

Now after all this time,

I’ve finally realized

That my love,

Love for you,

Will always be a lie

That I live...

And die in too.